Troubles and Big Personalities

The first time I heard the ringing phone I thought I was dreaming. But the ringing got louder and louder and louder. I woke up with a start. I looked around the dark room. The phone continued ringing. I groaned, snapped the light on, and reached for the cell phone. The alarm clock on my bedside table proudly displayed 4:30 am. I wondered who was calling at this ungodly hour.

Tato’s name flashed across the screen.

‘Tato, this better be important. You woke me up,’ I complained.

‘Oh… you were asleep?’ he said.

I rolled my eyes, but said nothing.

‘I need a lift,’ he said.

‘What?’ I sat up on the bed and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes.

‘There’s a taxi strike and I need a lift to work. I just got this job; I can’t afford to show up late.’

‘Is there no one else you could call?’

I was eager to return to sleep. I still had a good three hours before I had to wake up for work.

‘No. Please, Q, you know I wouldn’t call if I had other means.’

I sighed.

‘Fine. Give me a few minutes to change and I’ll be on my way.’

I kicked the covers off and reluctantly stepped out of bed. I dragged my feet into the bathroom to freshen up. I decided I would grab a cup of strong coffee on my way out.

As luck would have it, I had a meeting with a client later that day. I was tired. My eyes refused to open, no matter how many energy drinks I consumed.

Ed laughed at me after the meeting. ‘Something wrong? I saw you doze off during the presentation,’ he said.

‘Oh no!’ I was mortified. ‘Do you think Arthur noticed that too?’ Arthur was an executive of an advertising company that ran a few ads in our magazine.

‘Yes he did.’ The voice came from behind us.

I turned to see Author Fox behind me. At that moment, I wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole.

‘Was my presentation boring, Miss Ngqiqo?’ He mispronounced my surname, but I gave him credit for trying.

‘I’m sorry.’ I couldn’t look him in the eye. I could feel all the blood in my veins rushing to my cheeks.

Ed snickered and left me to face the client alone.

‘You know what you need?’ Arthur said.

I looked up at him then. ‘What?’

‘A strong cup of coffee. Come on, it’s on me,’ he said.

Arthur had a reputation of being a player. In all the years of working with him, I was yet to see that side of him displayed. I had a feeling that if I joined him, I would see that side. I rummaged through my tired mind for an excuse.

‘I wish I could join you, but I have another meeting soon. Rain check?’ I regretted the last statement as it left my lips.

He smiled and winked. ‘I’ll hold you to that,’ he said. ‘Good day, Miss Ngqiqo.’

I winced as he mispronounced my surname, but I was relieved that he bought my excuse.

Later that evening, we attended an opening of an upmarket restaurant in Parktown. The food was delicious. The waiter was placing the main course at our table and had just opened for us our second bottle of wine. As tired as I was, I was having a lot of fun. My diet was forgotten for the night. I decided to eat everything placed in front of me, including dessert.

We were all dressed up for the occasion. Even Matt swapped his gym gear for a suit. Thando was impressed.

‘I must say, you look so damn good! I see why you hide this one, Ed. The ladies might mistakenly think he was available.’

Matt smiled. His cheeks turned red. He looked away. He lifted one hand and ran it through his hair. He hated attention.

‘I picked the outfit for him,’ Ed said.

‘Q, I heard you fell asleep at work today,’ Matt said in an attempt to change the subject. ‘What were you doing last night?’

‘Maybe the question is who she was doing?’ Ed said.

‘You were doing Tato, weren’t you?’ Thando said. She just couldn’t resist. ‘It’s ok, you can tell us.’

‘I did no one last night,’ I responded. That would have been preferable, instead of what had happened. ‘I had to pick up Tato, early in the morning, from Alex.’ I explained to them Tato’s early morning predicament.

‘I told you that he was going to use you,’ Matt said. ‘First it’s a small favour, next he’ll be asking to move in with you.’

I hated to agree with him, but he was right. ‘I know,’ I said, a little displeased. ‘He started by borrowing money.’

‘What?’ Ed said.

‘Oh wow, that’s the lowest of the low. If I were you, I would have dumped his broke ass long ago,’ Thando said. She took a bite of her chicken fillet.

‘I don’t mind helping him out, but I don’t want to be his bank or his loan shark,’ I said. ‘It makes things weird, messy and complicated; especially since he hasn’t paid me back a cent.’

Matt turned his attention to Thando. ‘Isn’t this the same thing that you do, Thando? So why should Q dump the guy?’

Thando dismissed his comment. ‘When the man has more money than the lady, the way nature intended, it’s acceptable. The other way around is not ok. No man wants his woman to have more money than him. It makes them feel emasculated.’

Matt shook his head and laughed. He understood now that there was no way to get through to Thando.

‘Why are you still with him, Q?’ Ed asked.

‘I know why,’ Thando said. She had a big grin on her face.

‘Why?’ Ed wanted to know.

I cleared my throat. ‘He has a large…’ I cleared my throat again. ‘…Personality.’

‘Really?’ Ed said, intrigued. ‘I would have never imagined that. He’s got such tiny hands.’

‘Oh, sweetie, that whole… er… hands to personality ratio isn’t always true. Small hands don’t equate to small personality and large hands don’t mean large personality,’ Thando said. ‘I dated a gorgeous man once. He was very tall, had the largest hands I’ve ever seen, but his personality was so tiny that I felt embarrassed for him.’

We laughed. Matt was the only one not laughing. He looked confused.

‘I don’t get it.’

Ed leaned closer to him and whispered to his ear one word. ‘Penis.’

Confusion cleared from his face. ‘Oh. Hand size indicating the package size. I get it now.’ He took a sip of his drink. ‘But why don’t you just say penis? Why nickname it?’

‘We’re in a public area. We don’t want to get kicked out of this amazing restaurant,’ I said. For the first time that evening, I took in the beauty of the restaurant. I looked around. The opening was a success. The restaurant was fully booked. The waiters were running around taking orders, delivering food and drinks, and clearing tables as they became unoccupied. They ushered people from the waiting area, who’d been waiting all night for a table to become available.

‘Well, it doesn’t matter the size of his personality, you don’t want him to empty your bank account,’ Thando said. ‘I don’t want to see you hurt.’

‘I know.’ I’d realised that this relationship was not going to work, size of personality notwithstanding. But it was still sad to admit.

‘Good men are hard to come by,’ I said.

‘Don’t worry, someday you’ll find someone special,’ Ed said.

‘Like Sbu,’ Thando said out of the blue.

I looked at her in disbelief. Why on earth would she mention his name? Why now? I became angry. I was about to respond to her when she said, ‘He’s here.’

‘What?’ The anger I had felt only a second ago was replaced with anxiety. I wanted to hide under the table. For a split second, I wished that Tato were next to me so I could flaunt him in front of Sbu.

‘I wonder what size personality he has,’ Thando said.

They giggled. I didn’t join them. I kept thinking that out of all restaurants in the Jo’burg area, Sbu just had to come to this one.

Sbu walked into my view. My breath was suspended in my throat. He looked so good. He was dressed so well, as if the designer had him in mind when he designed the pants and shirt. All the feeling that I thought were buried, resurfaced all at once, torturing me. In one second, he’d managed to turn my amazing evening into a dreadful one.

I plastered a smile on my face and prayed that my inner turmoil was not showing on my face. I had to accept that our relationship would forever be like the Facebook relationship status: “it’s complicated”.

A Wonderful Encounter

For months now I’ve been avoid the scale. No woman wants confirmation that her weight was on the rise. But avoiding the scales did not help, because my clothes confirmed my fears. I was getting big and I had to do something about it or buy new clothes that fit. As exciting as shopping was, buying a larger size was terrifying.

I approached Matt and asked him to be my personal trainer. It was difficult to admit that I needed help, but it was better than buying a size 38 pants. Just a thought of wearing a bigger size sent me racing on a treadmill. What made me work harder were the stares I was getting from my colleagues. One person even asked me whether I was expecting. I was mortified.

‘You don’t look that bad,’ Thando lied. She was a good friend who wanted to spare my feelings.

‘She’s lying to you,’ Matt said. ‘A true friend would tell you that you’re becoming too big for your jeans. You’re literally spilling out of your pants.’

‘I’m sorry, Q, you know I love you, but I have to agree with Matt on this one,’ Ed said.

I covered my face with my hands. I don’t know how I’d let myself go.

‘I’ll help you get rid of the muffin top,’ Matt said. ‘You have to strictly follow my plan. No cheating. No slacking.’

I nodded. I was determined to lose this weight.

‘May I ask what caused you to…’ Thando hesitated, trying to find the right words. ‘…let yourself go?’

It was a good question. One I didn’t want to face. The overeating started after I found out that Sbu was engaged. I knew that I had lost him forever, so I turned to food for comfort. After all, nothing says all is well better than chocolate.

‘You know what you need?’ Thando said. ‘A boyfriend. Having sex will help you burn a lot of calories.’

I laughed. She was right. If I wanted to forget about Sbu, I had to get back into the dating world. ‘I don’t know. I don’t want to be hurt again.’

‘Oh don’t worry. I know this guy from varsity. He’d be perfect for you. And he’s so sweet, he wouldn’t hurt a fly,’ Thando said.

I nodded. ‘I guess one date wouldn’t hurt.’

That response resulted in a string of blind dates. All my friends decided to set me up. Even my editor, Gail, had a friend, who had a friend who was single.

Most of those blind dates were disastrous. It was enough to put me off blind dates for life. I had just about given up on meeting someone special when I ran into a young man at my favourite restaurant in Sandton.

He was handsome and younger that I. He was a musician. I was there on a bad blind date and as luck would have it, his band was playing there that night. It made my bad blind date tolerable.

The attraction was instant. I gazed at him on the stage and he winked at me. He played his guitar so well. He fingers gently striking the right cord each time.

All of the sudden, it was the two of us in the room. He was playing the song for me, looking straight into my eyes. I was having a lovely time until I was reminded that I was on a date with another man.

I blinked away from my daydream and focused on what he was saying. He was rambling on about what he was worth, how much money he had in the bank, what car he drove and about future acquisitions. I was bored out of my skull. But I didn’t leave, because I was hoping to have a chance encounter with the guitar player.

When the band exited the stage, I tried escaping the horrible blind date, but failed. Mr self-important wouldn’t let me leave. When I told him I had to go, he started weeping. I was so confused. So I stayed for another hour to stroke his ego.

When the date finally ended, I was sure the band had left. I was disappointed. I’d hope to meet them, tell them how wonderful they were, and perhaps slip my number to the guitarist while at it.

As I walked to my car, someone approached me. It was the guitarist. He smiled and waved his hand. I waved back.

‘I saw you suffering there on your date and wished I could rescue you,’ he said. ‘But your date was so big I was afraid he would punch me.’

I laughed. ‘Q,’ I said extending my hand.

‘Excuse me?’

‘My name… I mean… My name is Qaqamba, but everyone calls me Q.’

‘Nice to meet you, Q. My name is Tato. I’d like to buy you a drink. Would you like to go back inside for a real date?’

I smiled. Things were suddenly looking up. We went inside for drinks and had an opportunity to get to know each other better. Tato rescued my evening and turned a horrible experience to a wonderful encounter.

Nowhere to Hide

The Health Café was my favourite café in the whole world. They sold healthy meals and great tasting smoothies. They had dairy free, gluten free, and fat free options. Whatever healthy meal you wanted, they had it. Today I chose a protein smoothie and a fruit salad.

The café was also convenient, because it was right next to my apartment building. If I didn’t have time or didn’t feel like cooking, which was often, I ate at the Health Café.

Thando sat next to me, a drink in hand. As usual, she was dressed up.

‘Whatever happened to that hot personal trainer you had the hots for? What was his name?’ Thando asked.

‘Matt,’ I said.

‘Yes. Matt. So?’ She waited.

‘He’s unavailable.’

‘That’s a shame. But don’t worry; I’ll introduce you to one of Steve’s friends.’

I feigned a smile. Now that Thando was in a relationship with Steve, she wanted everyone else to also be a couple.

Ed walked into the café and following behind him was the handsome personal trainer Matt. They sat at our table. Ed sat next to me and Matt sat opposite me, next to Thando.

‘Guess who I pumped into? He lives in my hallway,’ Ed said.

Great, I thought. Now I’d have to find a new place to live.

‘You missed our first training session,’ Matt said.

That’s because I’ve changed gyms, I thought.

‘You’re still paying for the session by the way,’ he added.

I nodded.

Ed stood. ‘Q, may I have a word with you?’

I followed him.

‘So why didn’t you tell me that handsome Matt is gay?’

I cleared my throat. ‘Well…’

‘Yes.’

‘I was kinda embarrassed, because I practically and literally threw myself at him.’

Ed laughed. ‘I’m the one who literary threw you at him.’ He looked over my shoulder to the table where Matt and Thando sat chatting.

I turned the same direction and then back to Ed. ‘You like him,’ I said.

He didn’t respond immediately. ‘Well… you liked him first.’

‘I can’t have him. So he’s all yours. Besides, he’s not really that cute.’

‘Girl, are you kidding me? He is hot.’

I shrugged. ‘He’s OK, I guess.’

Ed smiled. I could see him picturing their future together. How they’d live happily ever after, while I was thinking of how best to avoid Handsome Matt who now lived in the same apartment building as me.

Handsome Matt

I was running on the treadmill when I saw him. I almost fell off. I had to hit the emergency stop button to prevent an accident. He was the most handsome man I’d seen in years. OK, maybe not years, but that’s how long it felt.

He had muscles in strategic areas. He was lean and handsome. He had a beautiful smile, gorgeous eyes and he was wearing a personal trainer’s uniform.

‘Hey, Ed.’

Ed was running on a treadmill next to mine. ‘What?’ he asked, out of breath.

‘Is that a new PT? I’ve never seen him here before,’ I said.

Ed spotted him. He jumped and stood with his legs spread open on the unmoving edge of the treadmill, while the belt was still moving.

‘OMG! He’s so cute,’ he said. ‘Aren’t you gonna go and introduce yourself?’

‘What?’

‘I can see you’re interested.’

‘Forget about him, Q, PT’s are broke,’ Thando said, butting in on our private conversation. She was running fast, but was barely out of breath. ‘You’ll never see me dead with one, except, of course, if he’s my trainer.’ She chuckled.

‘That’s not true. PT’s are not broke.’ I shook my head. ‘That’s beside the point.’

‘Easy for you to say, you’re a working girl,’ she said, contempt dripping from her voice. You’d swear my job involved doing something illegal.

I stepped down from the treadmill after the woman in front of the waiting queue gave me a dirty look for the third time. Ed joined me. We left Thando hard at work.

The handsome PT walked past us. I held my breath. Ed pushed me towards him and I collided with him. He stumbled a little, but managed to stay on his feet.

Ed quickly walked away, leaving me with the mess.

‘I’m so sorry,’ I said.

‘Are you OK?’ he asked.

Oh what a gentlemen, I thought. ‘I’m fine. Again, I’m sorry.’

He smiled. Something started to happen in my stomach. Butterflies, I thought.

‘My name is Qaqamba, but everyone calls me Q.’ I stretched out my hand. He shook it. His hand was so soft.

‘I’m Matt,’ he said.

‘I’ve never seen you here before.’

‘I’m new in town. I’m from Cape Town.’

‘Welcome to Jo’burg.’ I couldn’t think of anything more intelligent to say. ‘You know, if you like, my friends and I could show you around.’ I giggled like a love struck teenager.

What is wrong with you? I chastised myself.

‘OK.’

‘Really?’ I was surprised.

‘Under one condition.’

‘Name it.’

‘You sign up as my client.’

I looked down at myself. ‘Do I really look that fat?’

He lifted his hands. ‘Oh no, no. I just need more clients.’

‘Just teasing.’ I laughed. ‘Deal. I’ll sign up my friends as well.’

I smiled. I wasn’t looking for a man right now, but if Matt dropped down on one knee, I would shout YES!

‘Q?’ Matt called as I walked away. I turned quickly.

‘Yes?’

He cleared his throat and shifted on his feet. ‘I’m gay.’

‘What?’

‘I just wanted it out there.’

‘Sorry, what?’

‘I’m gay,’ he said again.

‘Are you sure?’

He laughed and nodded. ‘Very much so.’

I shrugged, pretending not to be interested. ‘You don’t have to lie in order to blow me off. I’m not interested in you,’ I lied.

‘I’m not lying. I am gay.’

‘Good,’ I said and walked away. I felt my cheeks heat up. At that moment, I wished the ground would open up, swallow me whole, and spare me of this embarrassment.  One thing for sure, I was never coming back to this gym. No way I’d be able to face Matt ever again.

Liquid Die… I Mean Diet

My diet wasn’t working. The ugly scale confirmed it. The number stared up at me defiantly. 73kg. I wanted to scream at it, but instead I tucked the scale away and started forming a new plan.

I’ve been invited to an exclusive party in little over a week. A party that many celebrities were going to attend. It was hosted by Thando’s new boyfriend. I was desperate to lose at least 5kg by then. OK, maybe 3kg was more realistic. So I decided to do what anyone in my position would have done. I did a liquid diet. You know, like the one Beyoncé did to lose all that weight in fourteen days. Only, I didn’t have fourteen days, only seven.

Day1

Day 1 on the diet was horrible. I was so hungry. All I thought about was a juicy steak. I could envision it, smell it, taste it. It grew legs and walked towards me. Inviting me. I salivated. Then I opened my eyes and the image evaporated. I was so hungry. What made matters worse was all my friends and colleagues eating delicious food. Did they have to do that in front of me?

‘Why are you killing yourself?’ Ed asked. He had an oversized chicken leg in his hand. I was sure that the chicken was full of growth hormones. Nevertheless, it still smelled good.

‘I need to look good. You heard what Thando said, celebs are gonna be there,’ I said.

‘I can’t wait to meet her man,’ Ed said. ‘Thando!’ he called.

Thando appeared from her bedroom. ‘Whatup?’

‘Does your man have any gorgeous, single friends?’

‘I believe he does. Want me to hook you up?’

Ed smiled. ‘Oh would you please? Being alone sucks. I need someone to share my life with.’

I rolled my eyes. I lifted the bottle of my disgusting concoction and took a sip. I had physical pain in my stomach, that’s how hungry I was.

‘That can’t be healthy for you,’ Thando said. ‘What is it?’

‘A way for me to lose weight fast. I need to look good for your party. I don’t want you to feel embarrassed when you introduce me to your man,’ I said.

‘Why would I feel embarrassed?’

‘Because I’m fat.’

‘Are you kidding me? You are not fat. You look fine the way you are. I want you alive, not killed by diet. Besides, if you’re dead, you’ll miss out on the fabulous party.’

I smiled and nodded. I had good friends who loved and cared for me.

‘Hmmm, Ed, that looks amazing,’ she said, pointing at the oversized leg of chicken. ‘I think I’ll have some.’

‘Help yourself. I bought enough for everyone. Q…’ he turned to me, ‘…there’s a piece for you also.’

I ignored him. I was sure the scale would reward me the next day. It didn’t.

Day2

I hate the scale. The ugly, unfeeling, uncaring piece of metal. I stared at the number and couldn’t believe it. I’d starved myself for an entire day and this is how I get rewarded? The number stared at me defiantly. 72.9kg. Thus ended the crazy liquid die, I mean diet.

The Naked Truth

I have a problem with taking my clothes off in public. Deep inside, I’m a shy girl. I know I’m not the only one. I’ve seen other girls at the gym shielding themselves with towels as they change into or out of their gym clothes. However, there are those girls who takes it all off and march to the shower room in their birthday suits.

I stood in the change room watching these two groups of women after my difficult session at the gym. I really wanted to take a shower, but the thought of being naked in front of all these strangers made my skin crawl.

To make matters worse was that most of these women had perfect bodies, there was no way I would strip my imperfect body in front of them.

I decided to go to a stall and changed there. I wrapped myself in my large towel and went to shower.

While I was having my shower woes, Thando was enjoying caviar with her soon to be boyfriend. She told us about the date later that day when she returned. I was sitting with my feet up, eating a salad.

Ed came out of the kitchen carrying a large burger. Cruel.

‘You’re back,’ he said, as Thando walked in. ‘What happened?’

Thando placed her bag on the floor next to the couch. ‘I don’t know what you mean.’ She sat down next to me and scowled at my salad. ‘Back on the diet, I see.’

‘Shut up,’ I said.

‘I thought you were going to spend the night with Mr Right,’ Ed said.

Thando let out a sarcastic laugh. ‘After only one date?’

‘You’ve done it before,’ I commented.

Thando shrugged. ‘Well, this time it’s different. I really think he could be the one. I really like him.’ She smiled.

‘So how loaded is he?’ Ed asked.

‘Very. He’s an entrepreneur. His business is doing great and he has a few tenders from the government.’

Ed nodded, impressed.

‘He has a yacht at the coast. I can’t wait to visit the coast with him. Fly first class…’ She looked at a distance, as if daydreaming.

‘It seems like you’ve hit a jackpot this time,’ Ed said.

I kicked him playfully on the leg. Ed had a habit of speaking his mind. But what he said didn’t bother Thando. She couldn’t care less what Ed thought of her or what anyone thought of her, for that matter.

‘I’m the luckiest girl alive. And out of the three of us, I’m the only one with a boyfriend.’

Ed frowned, clearly unhappy to be single. I didn’t care. I wasn’t desperate to have a man.

My stomach growled. Ed handed me half of his burger. I shook my head.

‘Eat. You’re starving.’ He shoved the burger in my face.

Starving, I was. But a burger? A burger had so many calories. My stomach growled again. I reached for the burger and stuffed my face. So much for the hour I spent at the gym.