Lost Forever

I knew I would have a bad day when my editor Gail Smit walked into my office with a wide smile on her face. Gail found little to be joyful about. She always looked like she was sucking lemons. So you must understand my concern when she walked into my office with a bounce on her step and her lips stretched into a smile.

‘Good news! Good news! I’ve managed to secure an interview with Sbu Langa and his supermodel fiancée Cynthia!’ She could hardly contain her excitement. ‘Isn’t that wonderful? And guess what?’

She waited. I stared at her blankly, still trying to process the news. Sbu was engaged? I couldn’t believe it.

‘You get to write the article,’ she said.

I immediately shook my head. There was no way I could face Sbu and his fiancée. If you don’t remember, Sbu was the man who once claimed he loved me. He was going to leave his girlfriend for me. Now I find out he was engaged?

‘I’m sorry, Gail, I can’t—’

Her eyes widened in disbelief. ‘What do you mean, you can’t? Do you have any idea how difficult it was for us to get this interview? Sbu turned down all other magazines. He’s giving us an exclusive.’

‘It’s just that Sbu and I—‘

She didn’t give me a chance to complete my thought. ‘It doesn’t matter what history the two of you have. You’re a professional and I’m sure you can handle it, else I wouldn’t be giving you this opportunity.’ She paused. ‘And he asked for you by name.’ She hurried out of my office avoiding an argument.

I decided to let it go for now. I would confront her later, when my anger had subsided.

I couldn’t believe Sbu was doing this to me. I wondered why. Many thoughts came to my mind, but none made sense. To get my thoughts straight, I discussed this with my best friend, Ed.

He was as shocked as I was on Sbu’s pending nuptials. ‘Why is he asking you to do the interview?’ he asked as we walked from our office to a coffee shop a block away.

I shrugged. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy for Sbu, but did he have to rub it on my face.

‘Did you do something to upset him?’

‘No. I haven’t seen him in a while. And the last time I saw him, we’d parted on good terms.’

‘Maybe he’s angry that you rejected him.’

‘He’s not that kind of a person. None of this is like him. It doesn’t make sense.’ I couldn’t figure it out.

‘I must admit that I’m a little disappointed,’ Ed said as we crossed a busy intersection. ‘I was hoping the two of you would end up together. I liked Sbu.’

I didn’t know what to say. I was a little disappointed myself. In my heart of hearts, I had believed that Sbu was a man of his word. I had believed that he truly had feeling for me, but I guess I was wrong.

‘I’m better off without him,’ I said, trying to convince myself.

Ed cleared his throat. ‘Gail has asked me to do a fashion shoot with them. It’s for the same issue that they’ll be featured on the magazine,’ he said. ‘Don’t worry; I’ll give Cynthia all the bad outfits.’

We entered the coffee shop and stood in the queue behind two teenage girls who were chatting loud enough for the entire restaurant to hear their conversation. They were excited about something.

I rolled my eyes at them. The last thing I wanted to hear were sounds of laughter.

‘Oh relax,’ Ed said. ‘I’m sure it’s not gonna be as bad as you imagine.’

The interview was awkward at best. But I handled it professionally. I couldn’t let Sbu know that I was hurting. They came to our offices because they were scheduled for the fashion shoot immediately after the interview.

Being alone with them was difficult. Every time they held hands, my heart shrunk a little. It was painful.

I couldn’t stand to see him with Cynthia. I couldn’t blame her, of course. She was an innocent bystander. The culprit here was Sbu. If we were alone, I would have shown him exactly how I felt. I was angry. I was upset. I was hurt. I feared I would burst out crying, but thankfully, I managed to keep my emotions in check.

To start the interview, Cynthia told me about their wedding plans. Where they were jetting off to for their honeymoon. How happy she was. How lucky she was. She went on and on and on.

I noticed that Sbu had not said much throughout the interview. I turned to look at him. I gave him my best professional smile.

‘How did you propose?’ I asked, cutting Cynthia off mid-sentence.

There was no response.

‘Our readers would be interested,’ I pushed.

‘Er… I … I…’ he stammered.

Interesting, I thought.

Cynthia came to his rescue. She filled in the gaps. The words gushed out of her mouth. She told me how he’d flown her to Cape Town and while there he’d surprised her. There was the beach, there was wine, and there was a diamond ring.

To my trained ear, it sounded too rehearsed. But I dismissed that as jealousy.

While she rambled on, I focused my attention on Sbu. I was confused. He looked unhappy. He had a plastered smile on his face, one that did not reach his eyes. Maybe I was imagining things, I told myself. It was time to let him go.

‘Thank you for a great interview. I wish you both all the best for your future,’ I said and to my surprise, I realised that I meant it. I smiled.

Later that day as I was about to leave the office, I heard a knock. I was facing away from the door packing my bag. I turned my head and there he was. The tall, handsome Sbu entered my office. The sight of him knocked out all the air in my lungs. I turned away continuing with the task at hand and because I didn’t want him to see me losing it.

He closed the door behind him. I heard the key turn in its socket as he locked the door, locking us in. Suddenly the office became tiny and hot.

‘I wanted to see you,’ he said.

I rolled my eyes. I didn’t believe a word he said.

‘You wouldn’t return my calls. You don’t respond to my emails. Tell me what was I to do?’

‘So you thought putting me through that was the best solution? I had to listen to your fiancée babbling on about your happy life.’

‘I’m sorry. I just wanted to see you.’

‘Please stop toying with my emotions. You’re getting married in a couple of months.’

‘I can’t stop thinking about you. I think about you all the times. It’s driving me insane,’ he said.

I stopped what I was doing and turned around to face him, my hands now planted on my hips. I wanted to punch him between the eyes. Who the hell did he think he was?

‘Well, too bad, I’m over you,’ I said with the calmness I did not feel. It was a lie and he saw right through it.

He took two short strides and closed the gap between the two of us. With one hand, he gentle held my head, and the other he placed on my back. He lowered his lips to mine and passionately kissed me.

He tasted so sweet. Like cherries. No, like sweet grapes. I couldn’t decide. He was strong, solid and powerful. I lost my resolve and kissed him back. He made me feel like no man has ever made me feel before. A throbbing developed in my core. I wanted more of him, so I held him closer. I let myself get lost in the kiss. I wanted him. I wasn’t over him. Tears burnt at the back of my eyes. I pushed him away. I couldn’t do this to myself.

‘No!’ I screamed. ‘I won’t let you play with my emotions.’

He looked confused. Still a little dazed.

‘You’re getting married in a couple of months.’ Tears fell down my cheeks. I could no longer hold them in. ‘How do you think she would feel if she walked in on us? Do you think she’d be happy? Cheer us on? Open your eyes, Sbu, else we’re all going to end up hurt. You’ve made your choice, now you’ll have to learn to live with it.’

‘I want you,’ he said.

‘No.’ I shook my head, while chocking back my sobs. I didn’t want to hear it anymore. ‘No.’ I said again. ‘Action speaks louder than words. If you truly meant that, I would be the one wearing the ring.’

He held my face with his large hands and wiped my tears with his thumbs. That caused fresh tears to fall down. He gathered me into his arms. I held him closer for the last time. I said my goodbyes in my heart.

Moments later, he left. Before walking out, he looked back at me and said, ‘I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.’

He left me standing alone in my office. I knew in my heart of hearts that he was gone forever.

An Office Kiss

I was a little surprised when the man that I loved, the one who was not available, showed up at work looking for me. I stood when I saw him entering my office. He closed the door behind him. The way he looked at me knocked out all the air from my lungs.

‘Sbu,’ I said. The words were barely audible. I cleared my throat and stood up straight. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘I spoke to Thando,’ he said, as if that would explain why he was standing before me. He moved to my side of the desk. I moved back slightly, not trusting myself.

‘She told me how you feel about me,’ he said.

Damn Thando, I thought.

‘Well, it doesn’t matter, you have a girlfriend,’ I said.

‘I’m not married,’ he responded. And it was true, but it did not matter because they were such a high profile couple.

He lifted his hand and caressed my cheek. I leaned in for a moment. I felt drawn to him as if an unseen force was pushing me closer to him and at the same time pulling us together.

He cupped my face into his large yet soft hands. He leaned closer and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes and my lips parted slightly. I lost control of my faculties at this point. He kissed the tip of my nose and then each of my cheeks. His breath was warm and so sweet against my skin.

He leaned in to kiss my lips, his own lips parted. I leaned in. We slowly moved our lips closer together. As our lips were about to touch, a loud knock jolted me into reality. I jumped back a little. And the spell was gone.

I cleared my throat. ‘Come in,’ I said.

Lungi, an intern with the magazine came in. She looked at the two of us. We looked like two teenagers who’d been caught by our parents making out. I didn’t know what to do with my hands. I rubbed them together, then I stuffed them into my pockets. I took them out and straightened my top.

Lungi raised an eyebrow and smiled.

‘Yes, Lungi, what can I do for you?’ I asked.

She quickly dropped some envelopes on my in box. ‘These came for you,’ she said. She reached for the door. She turned to look at us one more time and then she left.

All the blood I had in my body rushed to my face. My heart was racing so fast. I couldn’t believe how close we’d been to getting caught. I took a seat behind the desk and turned all business like. I looked up at him.

‘This cannot happen again,’ I said.

‘Why not?’ he asked. ‘I like you and you obviously feel the same way.’

‘Because you have a girlfriend. I don’t wanna be known as the woman who wrecked your happy home. Because I’m not that woman.’

‘I’ll break up with her,’ he said.

‘Well, until then I think we shouldn’t see each other.’

He leaned closer to the desk and stared into my eyes. ‘You won’t reject me once I’m single and available again, would you?’

I hesitated long enough for him to move away. He laughed and shook his head.

‘You’re only interested in me because I’m not available. And for a moment there, I thought you had feelings for me.’

He left my office. I watched him walk away and I wondered whether he was right. Was I only attracted to him because he was unavailable? Would I still feel the same way once he was single again? I didn’t know. All I knew was that I couldn’t guarantee that I’d still have these feelings once he was back in the market. I went back to work and willed myself to forget about him, as I was sure I would never see him again.

Unknown Past

‘When are you gonna tell Handsome Mat that you’re attracted to him?’ I asked Ed.

He ignored me and continued watching TV.

‘Try never,’ Thando said. ‘He’s shy and he thinks Mat is too handsome for him.’

‘You told her that? I thought I was your bff.’

Ed turned to me then. ‘I like him but I’m just afraid.’

‘Of what?’ I asked.

‘He’s just so hot and I’m afraid that he’ll reject me,’ Ed said.

I was surprised. ‘You must really like him. You’ve never been shy before.’

‘If I may interject here,’ Thando said. ‘Before you marry him off to a total stranger, you might want to think off… I don’t know… the fact that we know nothing about Matt. Like why did he leave Cape Town? Maybe he was in a gang and things went south, so he was forced to move, to run, to hide.’

Thando, always one with an over active imagination.

‘Don’t be ridiculous, Thando,’ I said.

‘He’s pretty cagey about why he left Cape Town. Maybe he’s married and has kids.’

‘Maybe he was a stripper,’ I said. We laughed.

‘Or a pimp.’ We laughed. ‘All I’m saying is that we need to check him out. I don’t want to see Ed broken hearted again,’ Thando said.

That, I couldn’t argue with.

‘We need to find out more about him,’ I said. ‘Because I can see that you like him.’

‘No guys,’ Ed  said. ‘We’re not going to go dinging into Matt’s past. If he wants us to know something, he’ll tell us.’

‘But, Ed…’ Thando complained.

‘No! Absolutely not!’

I wanted to protest, but Ed said, ‘That’s final.’

Thando and I looked at each other. We nodded. Ed didn’t want us to check Matt’s past, then we simply had to do it behind his back.

So as it turns out, Matt had nothing to hide. No ex wife. No children. No gangs. We found that out the hard way.

We were inside Matt’s apartment. It was beautifully furnished and everything was in its place.

‘Gee, this guy is freakishly neat,’ Thando said. ‘He’s not going to be our friend.’

‘You mean, he’s not gonna be your friend,’ I said. ‘You are the slob of the group.’

She scowled.

We started searching the apartment. We weren’t sure what we were looking for, but we knew we’d know when we found it. While we were busy, we heard footsteps outside the apartment.

‘Oh my ghosh, I thought he was working till late,’ Thando said.

We franticly looked around, searching for a place to hide.

‘What do we do?’ I asked.

‘I don’t know!’

We ran around in circles before deciding to crouch behind the couch, just as the door opened.

Matt walked in. He went to the bedroom and dropped the gym bag there. We continued moving around the couch as Matt moved around the apartment.

I reached for my phone and dialled.

‘Hello,’ Ed said.

‘Ed,’ I whispered. ‘We need you to come down to Matt’s apartment and… take him away.’

‘What do you mean, “take him away”?’

‘We’re kinda in his apartment right now.’

‘What?’

‘And we weren’t expecting him to be back so soon.’

‘What are you doing at his apartment?’

‘Long story,’ I said.

‘Tell him to hurry, I need to pee,’ Thando said, crossing her legs. She looked really uncomfortable.

‘Hurry, before Thando ruins Matt’s expensive carpet.’

Ed cut the call without saying another word.

‘He’s really angry,’ I said.

‘What do we do now?’ Thando asked. She was getting desperate.

I shrugged.

There was a knock on the door. We both looked towards it.

Matt appeared from the kitchen and went to answer the door. As a result, we had to change our position behind the couch. Thando was crouching with her legs crossed, which made it difficult for her to move.

It was Ed! We were so relieved.

‘I made some dinner for my friends, they’ve gone MIA. So… I was wondering if you’d like to join me.’

Matt was silent for a while.

‘I’m the best cook in the group. My friends can’t cook. They are terrible cooks. They can’t even boil an egg,’ Ed said. Of course, that was not true; we weren’t that bad.

‘Ja, sure, I’d love to,’ Matt said. He locked the door behind him and they left.

Thando and I stood.

‘That was close,’ Thando said. She ran to the bathroom. I laughed.

We decided to stop prying on Handsome Matt’s life. If he became part of our group, we wanted it to happen naturally.

Nowhere to Hide

The Health Café was my favourite café in the whole world. They sold healthy meals and great tasting smoothies. They had dairy free, gluten free, and fat free options. Whatever healthy meal you wanted, they had it. Today I chose a protein smoothie and a fruit salad.

The café was also convenient, because it was right next to my apartment building. If I didn’t have time or didn’t feel like cooking, which was often, I ate at the Health Café.

Thando sat next to me, a drink in hand. As usual, she was dressed up.

‘Whatever happened to that hot personal trainer you had the hots for? What was his name?’ Thando asked.

‘Matt,’ I said.

‘Yes. Matt. So?’ She waited.

‘He’s unavailable.’

‘That’s a shame. But don’t worry; I’ll introduce you to one of Steve’s friends.’

I feigned a smile. Now that Thando was in a relationship with Steve, she wanted everyone else to also be a couple.

Ed walked into the café and following behind him was the handsome personal trainer Matt. They sat at our table. Ed sat next to me and Matt sat opposite me, next to Thando.

‘Guess who I pumped into? He lives in my hallway,’ Ed said.

Great, I thought. Now I’d have to find a new place to live.

‘You missed our first training session,’ Matt said.

That’s because I’ve changed gyms, I thought.

‘You’re still paying for the session by the way,’ he added.

I nodded.

Ed stood. ‘Q, may I have a word with you?’

I followed him.

‘So why didn’t you tell me that handsome Matt is gay?’

I cleared my throat. ‘Well…’

‘Yes.’

‘I was kinda embarrassed, because I practically and literally threw myself at him.’

Ed laughed. ‘I’m the one who literary threw you at him.’ He looked over my shoulder to the table where Matt and Thando sat chatting.

I turned the same direction and then back to Ed. ‘You like him,’ I said.

He didn’t respond immediately. ‘Well… you liked him first.’

‘I can’t have him. So he’s all yours. Besides, he’s not really that cute.’

‘Girl, are you kidding me? He is hot.’

I shrugged. ‘He’s OK, I guess.’

Ed smiled. I could see him picturing their future together. How they’d live happily ever after, while I was thinking of how best to avoid Handsome Matt who now lived in the same apartment building as me.

Handsome Matt

I was running on the treadmill when I saw him. I almost fell off. I had to hit the emergency stop button to prevent an accident. He was the most handsome man I’d seen in years. OK, maybe not years, but that’s how long it felt.

He had muscles in strategic areas. He was lean and handsome. He had a beautiful smile, gorgeous eyes and he was wearing a personal trainer’s uniform.

‘Hey, Ed.’

Ed was running on a treadmill next to mine. ‘What?’ he asked, out of breath.

‘Is that a new PT? I’ve never seen him here before,’ I said.

Ed spotted him. He jumped and stood with his legs spread open on the unmoving edge of the treadmill, while the belt was still moving.

‘OMG! He’s so cute,’ he said. ‘Aren’t you gonna go and introduce yourself?’

‘What?’

‘I can see you’re interested.’

‘Forget about him, Q, PT’s are broke,’ Thando said, butting in on our private conversation. She was running fast, but was barely out of breath. ‘You’ll never see me dead with one, except, of course, if he’s my trainer.’ She chuckled.

‘That’s not true. PT’s are not broke.’ I shook my head. ‘That’s beside the point.’

‘Easy for you to say, you’re a working girl,’ she said, contempt dripping from her voice. You’d swear my job involved doing something illegal.

I stepped down from the treadmill after the woman in front of the waiting queue gave me a dirty look for the third time. Ed joined me. We left Thando hard at work.

The handsome PT walked past us. I held my breath. Ed pushed me towards him and I collided with him. He stumbled a little, but managed to stay on his feet.

Ed quickly walked away, leaving me with the mess.

‘I’m so sorry,’ I said.

‘Are you OK?’ he asked.

Oh what a gentlemen, I thought. ‘I’m fine. Again, I’m sorry.’

He smiled. Something started to happen in my stomach. Butterflies, I thought.

‘My name is Qaqamba, but everyone calls me Q.’ I stretched out my hand. He shook it. His hand was so soft.

‘I’m Matt,’ he said.

‘I’ve never seen you here before.’

‘I’m new in town. I’m from Cape Town.’

‘Welcome to Jo’burg.’ I couldn’t think of anything more intelligent to say. ‘You know, if you like, my friends and I could show you around.’ I giggled like a love struck teenager.

What is wrong with you? I chastised myself.

‘OK.’

‘Really?’ I was surprised.

‘Under one condition.’

‘Name it.’

‘You sign up as my client.’

I looked down at myself. ‘Do I really look that fat?’

He lifted his hands. ‘Oh no, no. I just need more clients.’

‘Just teasing.’ I laughed. ‘Deal. I’ll sign up my friends as well.’

I smiled. I wasn’t looking for a man right now, but if Matt dropped down on one knee, I would shout YES!

‘Q?’ Matt called as I walked away. I turned quickly.

‘Yes?’

He cleared his throat and shifted on his feet. ‘I’m gay.’

‘What?’

‘I just wanted it out there.’

‘Sorry, what?’

‘I’m gay,’ he said again.

‘Are you sure?’

He laughed and nodded. ‘Very much so.’

I shrugged, pretending not to be interested. ‘You don’t have to lie in order to blow me off. I’m not interested in you,’ I lied.

‘I’m not lying. I am gay.’

‘Good,’ I said and walked away. I felt my cheeks heat up. At that moment, I wished the ground would open up, swallow me whole, and spare me of this embarrassment.  One thing for sure, I was never coming back to this gym. No way I’d be able to face Matt ever again.