Liquid Die… I Mean Diet

My diet wasn’t working. The ugly scale confirmed it. The number stared up at me defiantly. 73kg. I wanted to scream at it, but instead I tucked the scale away and started forming a new plan.

I’ve been invited to an exclusive party in little over a week. A party that many celebrities were going to attend. It was hosted by Thando’s new boyfriend. I was desperate to lose at least 5kg by then. OK, maybe 3kg was more realistic. So I decided to do what anyone in my position would have done. I did a liquid diet. You know, like the one Beyoncé did to lose all that weight in fourteen days. Only, I didn’t have fourteen days, only seven.

Day1

Day 1 on the diet was horrible. I was so hungry. All I thought about was a juicy steak. I could envision it, smell it, taste it. It grew legs and walked towards me. Inviting me. I salivated. Then I opened my eyes and the image evaporated. I was so hungry. What made matters worse was all my friends and colleagues eating delicious food. Did they have to do that in front of me?

‘Why are you killing yourself?’ Ed asked. He had an oversized chicken leg in his hand. I was sure that the chicken was full of growth hormones. Nevertheless, it still smelled good.

‘I need to look good. You heard what Thando said, celebs are gonna be there,’ I said.

‘I can’t wait to meet her man,’ Ed said. ‘Thando!’ he called.

Thando appeared from her bedroom. ‘Whatup?’

‘Does your man have any gorgeous, single friends?’

‘I believe he does. Want me to hook you up?’

Ed smiled. ‘Oh would you please? Being alone sucks. I need someone to share my life with.’

I rolled my eyes. I lifted the bottle of my disgusting concoction and took a sip. I had physical pain in my stomach, that’s how hungry I was.

‘That can’t be healthy for you,’ Thando said. ‘What is it?’

‘A way for me to lose weight fast. I need to look good for your party. I don’t want you to feel embarrassed when you introduce me to your man,’ I said.

‘Why would I feel embarrassed?’

‘Because I’m fat.’

‘Are you kidding me? You are not fat. You look fine the way you are. I want you alive, not killed by diet. Besides, if you’re dead, you’ll miss out on the fabulous party.’

I smiled and nodded. I had good friends who loved and cared for me.

‘Hmmm, Ed, that looks amazing,’ she said, pointing at the oversized leg of chicken. ‘I think I’ll have some.’

‘Help yourself. I bought enough for everyone. Q…’ he turned to me, ‘…there’s a piece for you also.’

I ignored him. I was sure the scale would reward me the next day. It didn’t.

Day2

I hate the scale. The ugly, unfeeling, uncaring piece of metal. I stared at the number and couldn’t believe it. I’d starved myself for an entire day and this is how I get rewarded? The number stared at me defiantly. 72.9kg. Thus ended the crazy liquid die, I mean diet.

Obsession

Dieting is not easy. No really, it’s hard. That was the reason I never believed those ads in magazines of people who claim to have lost 20kg in three months. Are you kidding me? Even if you starved yourself for three months and consumed nothing but water, you still wouldn’t lose 20kg. It’s just another heartless diet company trying to lure desperate slimmers, of which I had been one, more times than I would like to recall.

It took me forever to lose the first 10kg, now I was battling to lose the last 10kg. I was exercising until I was soaked and eating better than average, but still nothing. I was getting really discouraged. How come other people could lose weight, but I couldn’t? I wanted to breakdown and cry, but I knew that no amount of lamenting would help me shed 10kg. If only there was a magic pill. Especially because today I seriously didn’t feel like going to gym.

A relentless knock at my door forced me to get up from the couch. I knew who it was and I knew what he wanted. I opened the door and Ed, my best friend, smiled at me, revealing his perfect white teeth. He was wearing his gym gear.

He looked at me and shook his head. ‘I’m not leaving without you,’ he said.

‘I’m not going. What’s the point?’ I said.

‘The point is you’d lose weight.’

I rolled my eyes.

‘Tone up.’

He waited for a response from me, but got none.

‘Meet a man,’ he said.

‘That’s your reason, not mine. I don’t wanna be with a man who’s gonna constantly update me about his percentage body fat,’ I said.

‘Do it for me then. For your best friend.’

Ed had recently been single and didn’t like it. He’s one of those people who’d date just so they’re not alone. He was even attempting to meet a man at the gym. That’s the only reason he went. He was as thin as a rake and needed no exercise. If you asked me, he could add some meat to his bones.

Being overweight was making me hate my life. I had a successful career, a lovely home, nice car and an OK family. So why was I so miserable? The answer: 10kg. Stubborn 10kg. I didn’t want a man; I wanted to drop these stubborn pounds. To lose the round cheeks. To shape my shapeless behind. To rid myself of my thunder thighs. And for my muffin top to be gone. I covered my face with my hands.

Thando Mava, my roommate and childhood friend, came out of her bedroom all dressed up. ‘What’s with her?’ she asked.

‘She angry at her fat,’ Ed said. He turned to look at Thando. ‘Girl, you look really good in that dress.’

‘I know.’ Thando turned around revealing the rest of her outfit to us.

She had a perfect body. Curves in all the right places. And she had long legs than went on forever. We were the same height, but because I carried an extra 10kg, I looked like a giant while she looked like a model.

‘So where you off to?’ Ed asked.

‘Date.’

‘With?’

‘You don’t know him.’

‘Let me guess,’ Ed said. ‘He’s rich and he’s rich and he’s rich.’

‘And he’s old and probably ugly,’ I added.

Thando shifted on her feet. ‘For your info… he’s handsome and he’s very much young.’

‘Three letters, my friend. BEE,’ Ed said.

‘Oh, Ed, don’t be jealous.’

‘Why on earth would I be jealous?’

‘I have a date and you don’t.’

That kept Ed silent.

‘Hey,’ I said, pointing at Thando’s shoes. ‘Those are my shoes.’

‘You have really nice clothes. Pity we’re not the same size, else I would have borrowed more than your shoes. I have to bring my A game tonight. I think this guy is the one.’

‘That means he has a huge bank account,’ Ed said.

Thando smiled. ‘He does. Soon all my money problems will be over and I can finally move out of here and get my own place. Wish me luck.’ Her smile widened. She grabbed her handbag and walked out.

Ed shook his head. ‘If chasing rich men was a sport, Thando would always be the winner.’

Thando only dated men with money. If they were also famous, she saw it as a cherry on top. She had made a name for herself as a gold digger. This didn’t bother her, because she couldn’t care less what people thought of her.

‘We should encourage her to return to acting. You know, do something that she would be proud of,’ I said.

‘Girl, she tried that, and she sucked at it. She’s much better at chasing money,’ Ed said.

‘She was not that bad. I mean… she was not the greatest. But you’ll never know, we might find ourselves attending the Oscars, hence I need to lose these pounds. George Clooney cannot see me looking like a balloon.’

A deep frown formed on his face. ‘I thought it was Jonny Depp.’

‘No. It’s George Clooney and he wants me to lose this weight.’

Thinking of George Clooney seeing me fat, gave me a surge of energy. I jumped out of the couch.

‘Give me a minute, I’ll come with you to the gym.’

‘Amen! Thank you Mr Clooney.’ He smiled.

I had to thank Mr Clooney as well, because of him I might just start chiselling off the excess fat.