A Wonderful Encounter

For months now I’ve been avoid the scale. No woman wants confirmation that her weight was on the rise. But avoiding the scales did not help, because my clothes confirmed my fears. I was getting big and I had to do something about it or buy new clothes that fit. As exciting as shopping was, buying a larger size was terrifying.

I approached Matt and asked him to be my personal trainer. It was difficult to admit that I needed help, but it was better than buying a size 38 pants. Just a thought of wearing a bigger size sent me racing on a treadmill. What made me work harder were the stares I was getting from my colleagues. One person even asked me whether I was expecting. I was mortified.

‘You don’t look that bad,’ Thando lied. She was a good friend who wanted to spare my feelings.

‘She’s lying to you,’ Matt said. ‘A true friend would tell you that you’re becoming too big for your jeans. You’re literally spilling out of your pants.’

‘I’m sorry, Q, you know I love you, but I have to agree with Matt on this one,’ Ed said.

I covered my face with my hands. I don’t know how I’d let myself go.

‘I’ll help you get rid of the muffin top,’ Matt said. ‘You have to strictly follow my plan. No cheating. No slacking.’

I nodded. I was determined to lose this weight.

‘May I ask what caused you to…’ Thando hesitated, trying to find the right words. ‘…let yourself go?’

It was a good question. One I didn’t want to face. The overeating started after I found out that Sbu was engaged. I knew that I had lost him forever, so I turned to food for comfort. After all, nothing says all is well better than chocolate.

‘You know what you need?’ Thando said. ‘A boyfriend. Having sex will help you burn a lot of calories.’

I laughed. She was right. If I wanted to forget about Sbu, I had to get back into the dating world. ‘I don’t know. I don’t want to be hurt again.’

‘Oh don’t worry. I know this guy from varsity. He’d be perfect for you. And he’s so sweet, he wouldn’t hurt a fly,’ Thando said.

I nodded. ‘I guess one date wouldn’t hurt.’

That response resulted in a string of blind dates. All my friends decided to set me up. Even my editor, Gail, had a friend, who had a friend who was single.

Most of those blind dates were disastrous. It was enough to put me off blind dates for life. I had just about given up on meeting someone special when I ran into a young man at my favourite restaurant in Sandton.

He was handsome and younger that I. He was a musician. I was there on a bad blind date and as luck would have it, his band was playing there that night. It made my bad blind date tolerable.

The attraction was instant. I gazed at him on the stage and he winked at me. He played his guitar so well. He fingers gently striking the right cord each time.

All of the sudden, it was the two of us in the room. He was playing the song for me, looking straight into my eyes. I was having a lovely time until I was reminded that I was on a date with another man.

I blinked away from my daydream and focused on what he was saying. He was rambling on about what he was worth, how much money he had in the bank, what car he drove and about future acquisitions. I was bored out of my skull. But I didn’t leave, because I was hoping to have a chance encounter with the guitar player.

When the band exited the stage, I tried escaping the horrible blind date, but failed. Mr self-important wouldn’t let me leave. When I told him I had to go, he started weeping. I was so confused. So I stayed for another hour to stroke his ego.

When the date finally ended, I was sure the band had left. I was disappointed. I’d hope to meet them, tell them how wonderful they were, and perhaps slip my number to the guitarist while at it.

As I walked to my car, someone approached me. It was the guitarist. He smiled and waved his hand. I waved back.

‘I saw you suffering there on your date and wished I could rescue you,’ he said. ‘But your date was so big I was afraid he would punch me.’

I laughed. ‘Q,’ I said extending my hand.

‘Excuse me?’

‘My name… I mean… My name is Qaqamba, but everyone calls me Q.’

‘Nice to meet you, Q. My name is Tato. I’d like to buy you a drink. Would you like to go back inside for a real date?’

I smiled. Things were suddenly looking up. We went inside for drinks and had an opportunity to get to know each other better. Tato rescued my evening and turned a horrible experience to a wonderful encounter.

Lost Forever

I knew I would have a bad day when my editor Gail Smit walked into my office with a wide smile on her face. Gail found little to be joyful about. She always looked like she was sucking lemons. So you must understand my concern when she walked into my office with a bounce on her step and her lips stretched into a smile.

‘Good news! Good news! I’ve managed to secure an interview with Sbu Langa and his supermodel fiancée Cynthia!’ She could hardly contain her excitement. ‘Isn’t that wonderful? And guess what?’

She waited. I stared at her blankly, still trying to process the news. Sbu was engaged? I couldn’t believe it.

‘You get to write the article,’ she said.

I immediately shook my head. There was no way I could face Sbu and his fiancée. If you don’t remember, Sbu was the man who once claimed he loved me. He was going to leave his girlfriend for me. Now I find out he was engaged?

‘I’m sorry, Gail, I can’t—’

Her eyes widened in disbelief. ‘What do you mean, you can’t? Do you have any idea how difficult it was for us to get this interview? Sbu turned down all other magazines. He’s giving us an exclusive.’

‘It’s just that Sbu and I—‘

She didn’t give me a chance to complete my thought. ‘It doesn’t matter what history the two of you have. You’re a professional and I’m sure you can handle it, else I wouldn’t be giving you this opportunity.’ She paused. ‘And he asked for you by name.’ She hurried out of my office avoiding an argument.

I decided to let it go for now. I would confront her later, when my anger had subsided.

I couldn’t believe Sbu was doing this to me. I wondered why. Many thoughts came to my mind, but none made sense. To get my thoughts straight, I discussed this with my best friend, Ed.

He was as shocked as I was on Sbu’s pending nuptials. ‘Why is he asking you to do the interview?’ he asked as we walked from our office to a coffee shop a block away.

I shrugged. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy for Sbu, but did he have to rub it on my face.

‘Did you do something to upset him?’

‘No. I haven’t seen him in a while. And the last time I saw him, we’d parted on good terms.’

‘Maybe he’s angry that you rejected him.’

‘He’s not that kind of a person. None of this is like him. It doesn’t make sense.’ I couldn’t figure it out.

‘I must admit that I’m a little disappointed,’ Ed said as we crossed a busy intersection. ‘I was hoping the two of you would end up together. I liked Sbu.’

I didn’t know what to say. I was a little disappointed myself. In my heart of hearts, I had believed that Sbu was a man of his word. I had believed that he truly had feeling for me, but I guess I was wrong.

‘I’m better off without him,’ I said, trying to convince myself.

Ed cleared his throat. ‘Gail has asked me to do a fashion shoot with them. It’s for the same issue that they’ll be featured on the magazine,’ he said. ‘Don’t worry; I’ll give Cynthia all the bad outfits.’

We entered the coffee shop and stood in the queue behind two teenage girls who were chatting loud enough for the entire restaurant to hear their conversation. They were excited about something.

I rolled my eyes at them. The last thing I wanted to hear were sounds of laughter.

‘Oh relax,’ Ed said. ‘I’m sure it’s not gonna be as bad as you imagine.’

The interview was awkward at best. But I handled it professionally. I couldn’t let Sbu know that I was hurting. They came to our offices because they were scheduled for the fashion shoot immediately after the interview.

Being alone with them was difficult. Every time they held hands, my heart shrunk a little. It was painful.

I couldn’t stand to see him with Cynthia. I couldn’t blame her, of course. She was an innocent bystander. The culprit here was Sbu. If we were alone, I would have shown him exactly how I felt. I was angry. I was upset. I was hurt. I feared I would burst out crying, but thankfully, I managed to keep my emotions in check.

To start the interview, Cynthia told me about their wedding plans. Where they were jetting off to for their honeymoon. How happy she was. How lucky she was. She went on and on and on.

I noticed that Sbu had not said much throughout the interview. I turned to look at him. I gave him my best professional smile.

‘How did you propose?’ I asked, cutting Cynthia off mid-sentence.

There was no response.

‘Our readers would be interested,’ I pushed.

‘Er… I … I…’ he stammered.

Interesting, I thought.

Cynthia came to his rescue. She filled in the gaps. The words gushed out of her mouth. She told me how he’d flown her to Cape Town and while there he’d surprised her. There was the beach, there was wine, and there was a diamond ring.

To my trained ear, it sounded too rehearsed. But I dismissed that as jealousy.

While she rambled on, I focused my attention on Sbu. I was confused. He looked unhappy. He had a plastered smile on his face, one that did not reach his eyes. Maybe I was imagining things, I told myself. It was time to let him go.

‘Thank you for a great interview. I wish you both all the best for your future,’ I said and to my surprise, I realised that I meant it. I smiled.

Later that day as I was about to leave the office, I heard a knock. I was facing away from the door packing my bag. I turned my head and there he was. The tall, handsome Sbu entered my office. The sight of him knocked out all the air in my lungs. I turned away continuing with the task at hand and because I didn’t want him to see me losing it.

He closed the door behind him. I heard the key turn in its socket as he locked the door, locking us in. Suddenly the office became tiny and hot.

‘I wanted to see you,’ he said.

I rolled my eyes. I didn’t believe a word he said.

‘You wouldn’t return my calls. You don’t respond to my emails. Tell me what was I to do?’

‘So you thought putting me through that was the best solution? I had to listen to your fiancée babbling on about your happy life.’

‘I’m sorry. I just wanted to see you.’

‘Please stop toying with my emotions. You’re getting married in a couple of months.’

‘I can’t stop thinking about you. I think about you all the times. It’s driving me insane,’ he said.

I stopped what I was doing and turned around to face him, my hands now planted on my hips. I wanted to punch him between the eyes. Who the hell did he think he was?

‘Well, too bad, I’m over you,’ I said with the calmness I did not feel. It was a lie and he saw right through it.

He took two short strides and closed the gap between the two of us. With one hand, he gentle held my head, and the other he placed on my back. He lowered his lips to mine and passionately kissed me.

He tasted so sweet. Like cherries. No, like sweet grapes. I couldn’t decide. He was strong, solid and powerful. I lost my resolve and kissed him back. He made me feel like no man has ever made me feel before. A throbbing developed in my core. I wanted more of him, so I held him closer. I let myself get lost in the kiss. I wanted him. I wasn’t over him. Tears burnt at the back of my eyes. I pushed him away. I couldn’t do this to myself.

‘No!’ I screamed. ‘I won’t let you play with my emotions.’

He looked confused. Still a little dazed.

‘You’re getting married in a couple of months.’ Tears fell down my cheeks. I could no longer hold them in. ‘How do you think she would feel if she walked in on us? Do you think she’d be happy? Cheer us on? Open your eyes, Sbu, else we’re all going to end up hurt. You’ve made your choice, now you’ll have to learn to live with it.’

‘I want you,’ he said.

‘No.’ I shook my head, while chocking back my sobs. I didn’t want to hear it anymore. ‘No.’ I said again. ‘Action speaks louder than words. If you truly meant that, I would be the one wearing the ring.’

He held my face with his large hands and wiped my tears with his thumbs. That caused fresh tears to fall down. He gathered me into his arms. I held him closer for the last time. I said my goodbyes in my heart.

Moments later, he left. Before walking out, he looked back at me and said, ‘I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.’

He left me standing alone in my office. I knew in my heart of hearts that he was gone forever.

The Ghost of Boyfriends Past

I was yet to meet a woman who did not remember every single detail about her first boyfriend. It was a memory that never faded. It was probably lodged in the part of the brain that never suffered from memory loss. We remember their scent, the way they kissed (even if they were terrible kissers) and we wonder what could have been. My first boyfriend’s name was Khaya Luvo. He’d been a soccer player. Very fit. Tall. Handsome. Every girl at school had wanted to be with him. He’d only wanted to be with me. I was the lucky girl that got him. We thought we’d end up married and have two children. A boy and a girl. Or maybe I was the one who’d fantasised about the marriage and the children, and that’s where the problem had been. We’d wanted different things. Khaya had wanted to see the world and I’d wanted to settle down and start a family.

So we’d gone our separate ways.

Of course, that was me many years ago. Now settling down and starting a family were far from my mind.

After receiving a call from Khaya, I started thinking about him a lot. I wondered if he ever left our village and travelled the world like he’d wanted to. I wondered if he ever settled down and had children. I doubted it. He was a free spirit who couldn’t be pinned down.

I was due to meet Khaya in the evening and I was going through the laborious task of choosing an outfit for the evening. I wanted something that said, “I’m cool. I’m a free spirit” and I avoided anything that said, “I wanna settle down”.

Thando was by my side, assisting me choose an appropriate outfit.

Clothes were scatted all over the bed and some were laid neatly on the chair.

‘I can’t believe Khaya is in town,’ she said, daydreaming. ‘Please remind me why he dated you and not me? I was the pretty one.’

‘You had a boyfriend, remember?’

‘That was only because Khaya wouldn’t give me time of day. I finally got the hint and moved on.’

I laughed. ‘You had a massive crush on him, and I ended up getting the man.’

‘Not funny. I was angry with you for days.’

‘Days? More like months. You wouldn’t talk to me. But what was I to do when the village hunk asked me out?’

‘I guess.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘If I were in your shoes, I would have done the same thing.’

I grabbed a Stoned Cherry tight fitting dress from my wardrobe and showed it to Thando. ‘How about this one?’

She nodded and smiled. ‘I like it. It says, I am hot and available.’ She giggled.

I rolled my eyes and decided it was a perfect outfit for me. After all there’s nothing wrong with being available to a man who’d see you naked.

I arrived at the restaurant five minutes late. Being early would have made me to appear desperate. Being too late would’ve made him think I wasn’t interested. However, being five minutes late was perfect. It kept him guessing.

The hostess smiled at me. I gave her my surname; I’d reserved our table under my name. While she was checking her records, I looked around the restaurant, wondering if Khaya had arrived. I couldn’t see him.

‘Let me take you to your table, ma’am,’ the hostess said.

I followed her. ‘Excuse me, has the other party arrived?’

She nodded and pointed at a table in the far corner where a large, balding man sat.

I stopped on my tracks. ‘Are you sure?’ I whispered. I was convinced she was mistaken.

She nodded and continued walking toward the opulent man. I followed her, my steps now hesitant.

I walked around the table and stood next to the empty chair facing my date. Lo and behold, it was Khaya. A much older version. One that I found myself not attracted to. He looked like he was carrying the world’s problems on his shoulders.

‘Khaya?’

He looked up at me. A smiled formed on his face. I saw a hint of the man I used to know.

While I got better with age, Khaya had gotten worse. Maybe I was being a bit unkind; it was just that the man sitting in front of me looked nothing like the Khaya of my childhood.

I noticed that he was wearing a ring. A wave of relief flooded me and I smiled widely.

‘Qaqamba,’ he said his smile widening. ‘You look good.’ He stood and pulled my chair for me. Always a gentleman.

‘I’ll ask the waitress to bring you drinks and take your order. What would you like to drink?’ the hostess asked.

I ordered a glass of red wine and Khaya ordered the same.

I looked at him and smiled. ‘Thank you,’ I said. ‘You don’t look too bad yourself.’ As the lie left my lips, I knew I shouldn’t have said it. I didn’t want to give him the wrong impression. But what does one say in such circumstances?

Looking at him, I realised that it was not that Khaya had lost his handsome looks, it was the sadness in his eyes. He used to always wear a smile that reached his eyes, but there was none of that tonight. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know what was troubling him. I came here for a fun filled night and not to be turned into a therapist.

Our waitress returned with our drinks.

‘What have you been up to?’ I asked. ‘I see you’re married.’

He stared at his ring as if seeing it for the first time. ‘Separated,’ he said.

‘I’m sorry.’ I started feeling a little uncomfortable again. I wasn’t interested in his troubles.

‘Kids?’

‘Two,’ he responded. ‘A boy and a girl.’

It was funny how the tables had turned. Khaya was living my dream and I was living his. He’d settled down, while I remained a free spirit.

‘Why did we break up? Please remind me.’ He chuckled.

I smiled and took a sip of my drink. I was already thinking of a way to get out of this date without hurting his feelings. I knew nothing good could come out of my date with my ex.

Love That Rejects

Dealing with the past in a new relationship is always tricky. Questions like, “How many partners have you had?” has a potential of ending a relationship, if the answer given is perceived as too high.

Ed’s problem was more difficult than that.

We met for lunch at our favourite restaurant at the heart of Sandton. Matt did not join us. His chair stood empty, spelling trouble in paradise.

‘I don’t know what to do anymore. He won’t talk to me. He’s not taking my calls,’ Ed said.

‘Is it because you won’t introduce him to your parents?’ I asked.

He shrugged. ‘Maybe. He changed after that conversation we had about my parents.’

‘When are you going to tell your parents that you’re gay?’ Thando asked. ‘You’ll have to sooner or later.’

‘You don’t know my parents,’ Ed said. ‘They won’t understand. They are very religious.’

‘So you’re telling me that they don’t suspect anything? How is that possible? You are the gayest person I know.’

Ed smiled. ‘Thank you, Thando. That’s why you’re my friend.’ He straightened his passion pink silk shirt. ‘I think my parents suspects, but they won’t admit it to themselves. As long as I don’t come out, I’m straight as far as they’re concerned.’

The waitress brought us our food. I’d ordered a large salad, hoping it would help my bulging waistline shrink. Thando was having vegetable lasagne and Ed had ordered a juicy burger that kept calling my name.

‘Thanks,’ I said to the waitress as she left.

Ed took a large bite of his burger. ‘I think deep down my parents suspect that I’m gay, because I’m so different from my straight, married older brother. If there were a poster boy for a straight man, my brother Steve would be one. He has a wonderful life, a good job, a beautiful wife and children. He makes my parents so proud, which takes the pressure off me.’

‘I call him Stevovo,’ I said. ‘I like him. You should invite him to visit, but please he must leave his wife at home. She’s such a bitch.’

‘Stevovo knows you’re gay, right?’ Thando asked.

‘Yes, he does. But he promised never to tell my parents. We made a pact. I keep his secrets and he keeps mine.’

‘Would you like me to talk to Matt? Maybe he’d listen to me.’

Ed shook his head. ‘I think it’s better I do it myself.’ He pushed his burger away. It was closer to my side of the table now. It smelled so good. The greasy chips were staring up at me. Inviting me. Taunting me. I had to do all I could not to reach out and grab them. My figure couldn’t afford it. The number on my scale had been climbing in the past few weeks and it was worrying. So instead, I stuffed my tasteless salad into my mouth and chewed slowly so that I would feel full. It didn’t work.

Later that day, Ed waited for Matt in front of his apartment. When Matt saw him, he turned and walked away.

‘I’m not going anywhere,’ Ed shouted. ‘I’ll be here when you return.’

Matt stopped. He slowly faced him. ‘I can’t deal with this now.’

‘Can’t deal with what?’

Matt opened his front door. Ed followed him in.

‘I had to go through a difficult, very testing time when I told my parents that I am gay. I don’t think I can go through it again.’

‘I’m not asking you to go through it. All I’m asking is that you give me time. I need to tell them when I’m ready to do so.’

Matt closed the door and placed the keys on the counter. ‘And when will that be?’

‘Honestly, I don’t know.’ Ed took a seat on the couch. He looked up at Matt. ‘Can you live with that?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Do you want to tell me what happened when you came out?’ Ed asked.

Matt laughed. Instead of a happy, triumphant sound, a sad, defeated sound came out. He sat next to Ed. ‘My parents rejected me.’ He looked away from Ed. ‘Till this day, they refuse to speak to me. The situation became so intense that I had to leave Cape Town.’

Ed didn’t know what to say. What do you say a person rejected by his own parents? Ed feared that this would happen to him when he opened up to his parents. He knew he wouldn’t be able to handle being disowned by his parents. This made him decide to postpone telling his parents about his sexuality by a number of years.

He reached for Matt’s hand. ‘I’m sorry. I had no idea.’

‘I don’t like talking about it, it’s very upsetting.’

‘Well, in that case, you’ll be happy to hear about Q’s date with her high school sweetheart,’ Ed said, in an attempt to change the subject. He respected Matt’s decision to not talk about his past. There were moments when it was better to leave the past where it belonged, in the past. Times where digging it up would cause more harm than good. Ed decided that this was one of those times.

Matt was grateful to Ed for respecting his wishes. It made him love his partner even more. A smile formed on his face. In Ed, Q, and even Thando he had found a new family. Maybe someday they’d help him heal. Right now, he wanted to forget, so he said, ‘Tell me more.’

Ed started laughing.

My rendezvous with my high school sweetheart was a funny story. But it’s a story for another day.

The Case of the Ex

Getting back together with an ex is an act of desperation. It’s a sign that all hope has been abandoned, that the ship was sinking. I had reached that level of desperation, so when my high school sweetheart showed up in town, I had to see him. My friends thought it was a bad idea. We were all chilling at my apartment on a Sunday evening when they voiced their objections.

‘It’s never a good idea to see your ex,’ Ed said. ‘I’ll never, ever, ever see my high school partner ever again.’

‘That’s way too many evers, Ed,’ Thando said. ‘There has to be a story there.’

‘No,’ Ed said way too quickly. He looked away.

‘Her name was Elaine,’ I said, laughing as I remembered the story.

Thando raised her eyebrows. ‘Her?’ She looked at Ed. ‘How come I never heard anything about this?’

‘Because… it was a fake relationship. I did it to make my parents happy. They were concerned about my lack of interest in women,’ Ed said. ‘They were so happy when I brought Elaine home to introduce her to them.’

‘Did Elaine know that you were gay?’ Matt asked.

Ed shrugged. ‘Towards the end she suspected… I think.’

‘You never told her?’ Thando asked.

Ed shook his head. ‘If I told her, she would have told my parents. I couldn’t risk it.’

‘You haven’t told your parents that you’re gay?’ Thando asked.

‘No,’ I said, not giving Ed a chance to respond. ‘This one time when they were visiting, I had to pretend that I was his girlfriend.’

Thando laughed. ‘I don’t understand, how could they not know?’ She laughed again.

Matt didn’t find any of this funny.

‘So every time they visit, I have to be around to play happy home,’ I said. ‘And trust me, Ed and I make a very convincing fake couple.’

‘Where was I when they came?’ Thando asked. ‘I’ve never met your parents.’

I took a sip of my coffee to avoid saying something that would cause trouble for Ed. Ed stood and walked to the kitchen with the empty plate to refill it with biscuits.

The truth was that Ed didn’t want his parents to meet Thando. They were conservative and Thando was always in the media for the wrong reasons. Ed thought it be best that his parents knew nothing about his friendship with Thando.

Ed returned from the kitchen. ‘I’m sure my parents will love you. The next time they’re in town I’ll let you know,’ he lied.

That made Thando smile.

‘What about me?’ Matt asked.

We all turned and looked at him. I cleared my throat. Thando watched with interest. The situation turned a little awkward.

Ed reached for Matt’s hand. Matt pulled his hand away. ‘I’ll have to tell them I’m gay first before I introduce you as my partner. Else they’ll have a heart attack. You understand, don’t you?’

Without saying another word, Matt stood and left.

‘Matt come on… please understand.’

Matt didn’t stop. He slammed the door behind him.

‘Thank you very much, Q,’ Ed said. He followed Matt out of the door.

‘What did I do?’ I asked.

Thando shrugged. She reached for a biscuit.

I watched them go. Ed was in trouble. I couldn’t help him. I wish I could, but I had problems of my own, like what I would I wear when I met my high school sweetheart.