The Ghost of Boyfriends Past

I was yet to meet a woman who did not remember every single detail about her first boyfriend. It was a memory that never faded. It was probably lodged in the part of the brain that never suffered from memory loss. We remember their scent, the way they kissed (even if they were terrible kissers) and we wonder what could have been. My first boyfriend’s name was Khaya Luvo. He’d been a soccer player. Very fit. Tall. Handsome. Every girl at school had wanted to be with him. He’d only wanted to be with me. I was the lucky girl that got him. We thought we’d end up married and have two children. A boy and a girl. Or maybe I was the one who’d fantasised about the marriage and the children, and that’s where the problem had been. We’d wanted different things. Khaya had wanted to see the world and I’d wanted to settle down and start a family.

So we’d gone our separate ways.

Of course, that was me many years ago. Now settling down and starting a family were far from my mind.

After receiving a call from Khaya, I started thinking about him a lot. I wondered if he ever left our village and travelled the world like he’d wanted to. I wondered if he ever settled down and had children. I doubted it. He was a free spirit who couldn’t be pinned down.

I was due to meet Khaya in the evening and I was going through the laborious task of choosing an outfit for the evening. I wanted something that said, “I’m cool. I’m a free spirit” and I avoided anything that said, “I wanna settle down”.

Thando was by my side, assisting me choose an appropriate outfit.

Clothes were scatted all over the bed and some were laid neatly on the chair.

‘I can’t believe Khaya is in town,’ she said, daydreaming. ‘Please remind me why he dated you and not me? I was the pretty one.’

‘You had a boyfriend, remember?’

‘That was only because Khaya wouldn’t give me time of day. I finally got the hint and moved on.’

I laughed. ‘You had a massive crush on him, and I ended up getting the man.’

‘Not funny. I was angry with you for days.’

‘Days? More like months. You wouldn’t talk to me. But what was I to do when the village hunk asked me out?’

‘I guess.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘If I were in your shoes, I would have done the same thing.’

I grabbed a Stoned Cherry tight fitting dress from my wardrobe and showed it to Thando. ‘How about this one?’

She nodded and smiled. ‘I like it. It says, I am hot and available.’ She giggled.

I rolled my eyes and decided it was a perfect outfit for me. After all there’s nothing wrong with being available to a man who’d see you naked.

I arrived at the restaurant five minutes late. Being early would have made me to appear desperate. Being too late would’ve made him think I wasn’t interested. However, being five minutes late was perfect. It kept him guessing.

The hostess smiled at me. I gave her my surname; I’d reserved our table under my name. While she was checking her records, I looked around the restaurant, wondering if Khaya had arrived. I couldn’t see him.

‘Let me take you to your table, ma’am,’ the hostess said.

I followed her. ‘Excuse me, has the other party arrived?’

She nodded and pointed at a table in the far corner where a large, balding man sat.

I stopped on my tracks. ‘Are you sure?’ I whispered. I was convinced she was mistaken.

She nodded and continued walking toward the opulent man. I followed her, my steps now hesitant.

I walked around the table and stood next to the empty chair facing my date. Lo and behold, it was Khaya. A much older version. One that I found myself not attracted to. He looked like he was carrying the world’s problems on his shoulders.

‘Khaya?’

He looked up at me. A smiled formed on his face. I saw a hint of the man I used to know.

While I got better with age, Khaya had gotten worse. Maybe I was being a bit unkind; it was just that the man sitting in front of me looked nothing like the Khaya of my childhood.

I noticed that he was wearing a ring. A wave of relief flooded me and I smiled widely.

‘Qaqamba,’ he said his smile widening. ‘You look good.’ He stood and pulled my chair for me. Always a gentleman.

‘I’ll ask the waitress to bring you drinks and take your order. What would you like to drink?’ the hostess asked.

I ordered a glass of red wine and Khaya ordered the same.

I looked at him and smiled. ‘Thank you,’ I said. ‘You don’t look too bad yourself.’ As the lie left my lips, I knew I shouldn’t have said it. I didn’t want to give him the wrong impression. But what does one say in such circumstances?

Looking at him, I realised that it was not that Khaya had lost his handsome looks, it was the sadness in his eyes. He used to always wear a smile that reached his eyes, but there was none of that tonight. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know what was troubling him. I came here for a fun filled night and not to be turned into a therapist.

Our waitress returned with our drinks.

‘What have you been up to?’ I asked. ‘I see you’re married.’

He stared at his ring as if seeing it for the first time. ‘Separated,’ he said.

‘I’m sorry.’ I started feeling a little uncomfortable again. I wasn’t interested in his troubles.

‘Kids?’

‘Two,’ he responded. ‘A boy and a girl.’

It was funny how the tables had turned. Khaya was living my dream and I was living his. He’d settled down, while I remained a free spirit.

‘Why did we break up? Please remind me.’ He chuckled.

I smiled and took a sip of my drink. I was already thinking of a way to get out of this date without hurting his feelings. I knew nothing good could come out of my date with my ex.

The Case of the Ex

Getting back together with an ex is an act of desperation. It’s a sign that all hope has been abandoned, that the ship was sinking. I had reached that level of desperation, so when my high school sweetheart showed up in town, I had to see him. My friends thought it was a bad idea. We were all chilling at my apartment on a Sunday evening when they voiced their objections.

‘It’s never a good idea to see your ex,’ Ed said. ‘I’ll never, ever, ever see my high school partner ever again.’

‘That’s way too many evers, Ed,’ Thando said. ‘There has to be a story there.’

‘No,’ Ed said way too quickly. He looked away.

‘Her name was Elaine,’ I said, laughing as I remembered the story.

Thando raised her eyebrows. ‘Her?’ She looked at Ed. ‘How come I never heard anything about this?’

‘Because… it was a fake relationship. I did it to make my parents happy. They were concerned about my lack of interest in women,’ Ed said. ‘They were so happy when I brought Elaine home to introduce her to them.’

‘Did Elaine know that you were gay?’ Matt asked.

Ed shrugged. ‘Towards the end she suspected… I think.’

‘You never told her?’ Thando asked.

Ed shook his head. ‘If I told her, she would have told my parents. I couldn’t risk it.’

‘You haven’t told your parents that you’re gay?’ Thando asked.

‘No,’ I said, not giving Ed a chance to respond. ‘This one time when they were visiting, I had to pretend that I was his girlfriend.’

Thando laughed. ‘I don’t understand, how could they not know?’ She laughed again.

Matt didn’t find any of this funny.

‘So every time they visit, I have to be around to play happy home,’ I said. ‘And trust me, Ed and I make a very convincing fake couple.’

‘Where was I when they came?’ Thando asked. ‘I’ve never met your parents.’

I took a sip of my coffee to avoid saying something that would cause trouble for Ed. Ed stood and walked to the kitchen with the empty plate to refill it with biscuits.

The truth was that Ed didn’t want his parents to meet Thando. They were conservative and Thando was always in the media for the wrong reasons. Ed thought it be best that his parents knew nothing about his friendship with Thando.

Ed returned from the kitchen. ‘I’m sure my parents will love you. The next time they’re in town I’ll let you know,’ he lied.

That made Thando smile.

‘What about me?’ Matt asked.

We all turned and looked at him. I cleared my throat. Thando watched with interest. The situation turned a little awkward.

Ed reached for Matt’s hand. Matt pulled his hand away. ‘I’ll have to tell them I’m gay first before I introduce you as my partner. Else they’ll have a heart attack. You understand, don’t you?’

Without saying another word, Matt stood and left.

‘Matt come on… please understand.’

Matt didn’t stop. He slammed the door behind him.

‘Thank you very much, Q,’ Ed said. He followed Matt out of the door.

‘What did I do?’ I asked.

Thando shrugged. She reached for a biscuit.

I watched them go. Ed was in trouble. I couldn’t help him. I wish I could, but I had problems of my own, like what I would I wear when I met my high school sweetheart.

Law of Beauty

Law of beauty number one: Always look good, because when you don’t, you are bound to bump into someone from your past.

We all have bad days. Bad hair day: when your hair is frizzy and big and looks as if it belongs to a hobo pushing a trolley overfilled with junk.

Bad face day: when your face breaks out in pimples and no matter how much makeup you put on, the pimples stand out. It’s as if they are filled with steroids.

Bad body/image day: when your body looks fat no matter what you wear. Even when you wear a sweatshirt, you just look humongous. So you end up wearing clothes so big you look like you’re wearing a tent. Forget about wearing something black to make you appear slimmer, on this day it won’t work.

I was having such a day. From the minute I woke up everything was going wrong. On this day, I had to bump into my ex, Greg. He was with a smoking hot girl who was clearly having a much better day than I was.

‘I hate Greg,’ Ed said, sharing my sentiment. I’d just informed them of my unfortunate encounter with my ex.

‘The worst is I tried avoiding him, I dodged into a crowd, put on a hat and glasses, but he saw me anyway. And he made it a point to come over and say hi,’ I said.

‘Maybe he was being polite,’ Matt said.

‘Polite? Please,’ Ed said. ‘The man does not know the meaning of the word. We hate Greg,’ he said again.

‘What’s the story with Greg, anyway? This is the first I’ve heard of him,’ Matt said.

‘That’s because we don’t mention his name in this house,’ Thando said. ‘He’s a loser, so please let’s talk about something else.’

The story of Greg and I is a long one.

Greg was the man I was supposed to marry. He was a successful, kind and loving man. We did everything together, even shopping. I trusted him wholeheartedly.

So you can imagine my surprise when I came home early from work to find a lump of a woman underneath the covers of our bed. I was at loss for words, so I just stood at the entrance of our bedroom staring at them.

‘I… I… I didn’t know you were coming home early,’ Greg stammered. As if that would explain why there was an amoeba woman in my bed.

We stood in the bedroom staring at each other, the woman in the bed breathing under the covers. He introduced me to her, the lump stuck out her pudgy fingers waving at me. I looked from Greg to the lump and walked out of the room. I decided to give them some privacy… in my own home.

Surprisingly, I wasn’t angry. A bit shaken, yes. A little disappointed, maybe. But not angry.

Minutes later, the girl whom I’ve never seen before wobbled out of my kitchen, her eyes on the floor. Greg followed behind her, now fully dressed. He stood in the lounge; he seemed unsure of himself. The always confident man was now reduced to a shy cheater. He did not know what to say. I had questions I needed answered.

We sat down and talked like grownups we were. An hour later, it was clear where our relationship was headed. Nowhere.

That was the last time I saw him, until I ran into him at the mall. Our breakup had not been easy, especially because Greg was an actor. It’s difficult dealing with a breakup when your face is splashed in covers of tabloids.

I looked at my two friends who’d supported me through the nasty break up, and smiled. Greg stole my joy all those years ago; I wouldn’t let him affect me after all these years. I decided to take my joy back. I decided to tell Matt the whole story. If he were truly to be part of our group, then he would have to hate Greg as much as we did.