There’s no easy way to break up with someone. No matter how sweet you try to make it sound, the results are still awful. This is what people really mean when they break up with you.
“It’s not you, it’s me,” translate to, “It’s not me, it’s all you. You are the problem!”
“We need to take a break,” translate to, “It’s over! Get the hell out of my life!”
“I need time to focus on my career,” translate to, “You’re boring and there’s nothing interesting about you.”
“I need to figure things out,” translate to, “I don’t want you in my life.”
Honest breakup lines are, “You’re a jerk! Get out of my life!” or “It’s over!” or “You’re a scumbag, good for nothing piece of shit!” However, no one ever really says that unless they’re high or drunk.
What I wanted to say to Tato was, ‘You’re a leech.’ I shook my head and erased that breakup line from my mind. I settled on, ‘You’re a nice person, but we want different things right now.’ But what I ended up saying was, ‘It’s not you, it’s me…’
Tato didn’t take the break up well. He went all psycho on me, smashing things around the apartment and threatening me. The worst was I broke up with him as he was asking if he could move in with me. Clearly, we wanted different things.
He refused to leave my apartment. He said I should throw him out. He just sat there on the couch, put his feet on the table (which I hated), reached for the remote and switched to his favourite channel. It was as if he owned the place. I did the only think I could. I called the muscle aka Matt.
Matt came to my rescue. He walked into my apartment and stood in front of the TV with his muscular arms folded across his chest. He didn’t say a word. He wore a stern look on his face. For a second, I was even afraid. Tato got the message and left, but not before banging the door so loud on his way out that it almost fell off its hinges.
After that draining breakup session, I wasn’t up to going out, so all my friends came to my apartment that evening. Just the thought of dressing up and facing the public was traumatic enough to cause me to bury myself under my warm, comfortable covers. Only my friends could get me out from under the covers and I went as far as my living room.
‘How are you doing?’ Ed asked as he embraced me.
I was dressed in my pyjamas. ‘It had to be done. It wasn’t easy to let him go,’ I said.
‘You’ll find someone else,’ Thando reassured me. ‘There are plenty fish in the water. And you’re gorgeous. You’re such a catch.’
I know she meant well, but it didn’t make me feel better.
‘The problem with you, Q, is that you insist on breaking up face to face,’ Ed said. ‘That’s dangerous. Tato could have punched you or killed you.’
I rolled my eyes. Ed was such a drama queen.
We all had different ways of handling breakups. Mine was to confront the man and get it over and done with.
Ed’s ideal breakup was disappearing for a couple of days. He avoided calls, didn’t respond to messages until the other person got the message and left him alone.
Thando, on the other hand, hated breakups because it meant no more all expenses paid holidays to exotic destinations, no more free dinners, and no more showing off her man at high profile events. However, none of that prevented her from breaking up with a man when she had to.
Matt was more old fashioned. He sat his partner down like the grown up he was and had a serious talk with him. As a result, his breakups were often mutual.
To cheer me up, my friends hired my favourite movie Ocean’s Eleven, with my favourite actor George Clooney. That Brad Pitt was also in the movie improved my mood. My friends also brought with them Chinese takeout. At that moment, I was glad to have friends who cared about me, friends who celebrated with me at my best and loved me at my worst. I knew they would move mountains to see me happy. Right there in my living room, I was surrounded by love. And that was a reason to smile.
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