Love That Rejects

Dealing with the past in a new relationship is always tricky. Questions like, “How many partners have you had?” has a potential of ending a relationship, if the answer given is perceived as too high.

Ed’s problem was more difficult than that.

We met for lunch at our favourite restaurant at the heart of Sandton. Matt did not join us. His chair stood empty, spelling trouble in paradise.

‘I don’t know what to do anymore. He won’t talk to me. He’s not taking my calls,’ Ed said.

‘Is it because you won’t introduce him to your parents?’ I asked.

He shrugged. ‘Maybe. He changed after that conversation we had about my parents.’

‘When are you going to tell your parents that you’re gay?’ Thando asked. ‘You’ll have to sooner or later.’

‘You don’t know my parents,’ Ed said. ‘They won’t understand. They are very religious.’

‘So you’re telling me that they don’t suspect anything? How is that possible? You are the gayest person I know.’

Ed smiled. ‘Thank you, Thando. That’s why you’re my friend.’ He straightened his passion pink silk shirt. ‘I think my parents suspects, but they won’t admit it to themselves. As long as I don’t come out, I’m straight as far as they’re concerned.’

The waitress brought us our food. I’d ordered a large salad, hoping it would help my bulging waistline shrink. Thando was having vegetable lasagne and Ed had ordered a juicy burger that kept calling my name.

‘Thanks,’ I said to the waitress as she left.

Ed took a large bite of his burger. ‘I think deep down my parents suspect that I’m gay, because I’m so different from my straight, married older brother. If there were a poster boy for a straight man, my brother Steve would be one. He has a wonderful life, a good job, a beautiful wife and children. He makes my parents so proud, which takes the pressure off me.’

‘I call him Stevovo,’ I said. ‘I like him. You should invite him to visit, but please he must leave his wife at home. She’s such a bitch.’

‘Stevovo knows you’re gay, right?’ Thando asked.

‘Yes, he does. But he promised never to tell my parents. We made a pact. I keep his secrets and he keeps mine.’

‘Would you like me to talk to Matt? Maybe he’d listen to me.’

Ed shook his head. ‘I think it’s better I do it myself.’ He pushed his burger away. It was closer to my side of the table now. It smelled so good. The greasy chips were staring up at me. Inviting me. Taunting me. I had to do all I could not to reach out and grab them. My figure couldn’t afford it. The number on my scale had been climbing in the past few weeks and it was worrying. So instead, I stuffed my tasteless salad into my mouth and chewed slowly so that I would feel full. It didn’t work.

Later that day, Ed waited for Matt in front of his apartment. When Matt saw him, he turned and walked away.

‘I’m not going anywhere,’ Ed shouted. ‘I’ll be here when you return.’

Matt stopped. He slowly faced him. ‘I can’t deal with this now.’

‘Can’t deal with what?’

Matt opened his front door. Ed followed him in.

‘I had to go through a difficult, very testing time when I told my parents that I am gay. I don’t think I can go through it again.’

‘I’m not asking you to go through it. All I’m asking is that you give me time. I need to tell them when I’m ready to do so.’

Matt closed the door and placed the keys on the counter. ‘And when will that be?’

‘Honestly, I don’t know.’ Ed took a seat on the couch. He looked up at Matt. ‘Can you live with that?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Do you want to tell me what happened when you came out?’ Ed asked.

Matt laughed. Instead of a happy, triumphant sound, a sad, defeated sound came out. He sat next to Ed. ‘My parents rejected me.’ He looked away from Ed. ‘Till this day, they refuse to speak to me. The situation became so intense that I had to leave Cape Town.’

Ed didn’t know what to say. What do you say a person rejected by his own parents? Ed feared that this would happen to him when he opened up to his parents. He knew he wouldn’t be able to handle being disowned by his parents. This made him decide to postpone telling his parents about his sexuality by a number of years.

He reached for Matt’s hand. ‘I’m sorry. I had no idea.’

‘I don’t like talking about it, it’s very upsetting.’

‘Well, in that case, you’ll be happy to hear about Q’s date with her high school sweetheart,’ Ed said, in an attempt to change the subject. He respected Matt’s decision to not talk about his past. There were moments when it was better to leave the past where it belonged, in the past. Times where digging it up would cause more harm than good. Ed decided that this was one of those times.

Matt was grateful to Ed for respecting his wishes. It made him love his partner even more. A smile formed on his face. In Ed, Q, and even Thando he had found a new family. Maybe someday they’d help him heal. Right now, he wanted to forget, so he said, ‘Tell me more.’

Ed started laughing.

My rendezvous with my high school sweetheart was a funny story. But it’s a story for another day.

The Case of the Ex

Getting back together with an ex is an act of desperation. It’s a sign that all hope has been abandoned, that the ship was sinking. I had reached that level of desperation, so when my high school sweetheart showed up in town, I had to see him. My friends thought it was a bad idea. We were all chilling at my apartment on a Sunday evening when they voiced their objections.

‘It’s never a good idea to see your ex,’ Ed said. ‘I’ll never, ever, ever see my high school partner ever again.’

‘That’s way too many evers, Ed,’ Thando said. ‘There has to be a story there.’

‘No,’ Ed said way too quickly. He looked away.

‘Her name was Elaine,’ I said, laughing as I remembered the story.

Thando raised her eyebrows. ‘Her?’ She looked at Ed. ‘How come I never heard anything about this?’

‘Because… it was a fake relationship. I did it to make my parents happy. They were concerned about my lack of interest in women,’ Ed said. ‘They were so happy when I brought Elaine home to introduce her to them.’

‘Did Elaine know that you were gay?’ Matt asked.

Ed shrugged. ‘Towards the end she suspected… I think.’

‘You never told her?’ Thando asked.

Ed shook his head. ‘If I told her, she would have told my parents. I couldn’t risk it.’

‘You haven’t told your parents that you’re gay?’ Thando asked.

‘No,’ I said, not giving Ed a chance to respond. ‘This one time when they were visiting, I had to pretend that I was his girlfriend.’

Thando laughed. ‘I don’t understand, how could they not know?’ She laughed again.

Matt didn’t find any of this funny.

‘So every time they visit, I have to be around to play happy home,’ I said. ‘And trust me, Ed and I make a very convincing fake couple.’

‘Where was I when they came?’ Thando asked. ‘I’ve never met your parents.’

I took a sip of my coffee to avoid saying something that would cause trouble for Ed. Ed stood and walked to the kitchen with the empty plate to refill it with biscuits.

The truth was that Ed didn’t want his parents to meet Thando. They were conservative and Thando was always in the media for the wrong reasons. Ed thought it be best that his parents knew nothing about his friendship with Thando.

Ed returned from the kitchen. ‘I’m sure my parents will love you. The next time they’re in town I’ll let you know,’ he lied.

That made Thando smile.

‘What about me?’ Matt asked.

We all turned and looked at him. I cleared my throat. Thando watched with interest. The situation turned a little awkward.

Ed reached for Matt’s hand. Matt pulled his hand away. ‘I’ll have to tell them I’m gay first before I introduce you as my partner. Else they’ll have a heart attack. You understand, don’t you?’

Without saying another word, Matt stood and left.

‘Matt come on… please understand.’

Matt didn’t stop. He slammed the door behind him.

‘Thank you very much, Q,’ Ed said. He followed Matt out of the door.

‘What did I do?’ I asked.

Thando shrugged. She reached for a biscuit.

I watched them go. Ed was in trouble. I couldn’t help him. I wish I could, but I had problems of my own, like what I would I wear when I met my high school sweetheart.