It's Complicated

She saw him again. At the launch of a new perfume by the gorgeous actress Connie Ferguson. She was standing alone at the balcony trying to get some fresh air and to clear her thoughts. The launch was on the top floor of the Michelangelo Towers in Sandton. She was admiring the landscape below when Sbu joined her. In anticipation of bumping into him, Q had put her best foot forward. She wore a creation by her favourite designer David Tlale that accentuated her best assets, and Manolo Blahnik strappy heels. She didn’t know why she did this to herself. She couldn’t help it. She looked forward to seeing him, but at the same time, she didn’t want to see him because she knew it would upset her.

‘I was hoping to run into you here,’ he said.

Her heart started beating faster when she heard his voice. She didn’t look at him; she didn’t want to tempt herself. ‘Really?’ she said.

He nodded, but said nothing.

‘Why?’

He looked down at the beautiful landscape and then back at her. ‘Because I can’t stop thinking about you. I think about you all the times. It’s driving me insane.’

She didn’t know what to say, her breath was caught in her throat. She didn’t trust herself to respond. She didn’t think indulging Sbu was a good idea. Because the same man who claimed not to be able to get her out of his mind had a fiancé.

‘It’s complicated,’ he said, as if reading her thoughts. ‘Every time I want to breakup with her something comes up. She’s just recently lost a cousin she was really close to.’

To Q it sounded like an excuse. If he wanted to leave her, he would.

‘I want to be with you, I really do. It’s just that…’

More excuses.

Q had accepted that she and Sbu would never be. It was just not meant to be. But he made it difficult every time he declared his undying love for her. She didn’t want to hear it anymore. She decided to leave, but Sbu arrested her steps by grabbing her wrist. A throb rippled through her body to her core, as his gentle hand connected with her skin. She wanted to walk away, but her feet failed her. She was afraid she would fall, so she held on to him. They were facing each other, staring into each other’s eyes. Sbu caressed her arm; the motion was slow, almost hesitant. She closed her eyes as the warmth within her spread. She could feel his love radiating inside of her. He used his thumb to lift up her chin. He leaned closer. She didn’t protest. Her mind was dazed. She had no control of her faculties. She didn’t understand why he had such power over her.

Their lips were so close she could feel his breath falling gentle on her face. As he leaned even closer, she got hold of her conviction and took a giant step back, as far away from him as she could manage. She wasn’t about to become the other woman in this equation.

She was about to walk away when his fiancé walked in on them. For a brief moment, she felt guilty, as if they’d been caught doing something inappropriate. Perhaps it was because Cynthia would have been upset if she’d heard their conversation. Q had nothing to feel guilty about, but Sbu did. It wasn’t her fault that he was attracted to her.

Cynthia smiled at them. If she had any inkling of their uneasiness, she gave no indication. ‘Here you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you,’ she said. She put her arm around him and drew him closer. She was marking her territory. She was telling Q that Sbu belonged to her.

Q was taken aback. She hadn’t expected the gorgeous model that had a smoking hot body, to feel threatened by her. It just went to show that everyone had their insecurities, no matter how beautiful, how rich, or how successful. She coughed to cover the smile that was forming on her lips.

‘Come, honey, I want to introduce you to some people. Q, if you’d excuse us,’ she said.

Q nodded.

He reluctantly followed her. He seemed unhappy. Q almost felt sorry for him. She started wondering why he was with her if he was unhappy. He was an intelligent, resourceful man and yet here he was trapped in a loveless, joyless relationship. His relationship was as Q’s Facebook relationship status: it’s complicated.

Cynthia smiled at her man as they walked back inside the launch party, but she was fuming inside. She was livid, so much that she couldn’t string a sentence together. So she decided to say nothing. How dare Q lure her man outside where they’d be alone, wearing such a revealing dress? She couldn’t get out of her mind the way they’d looked at each other, the way Sbu had caressed her arm and the way he’d undressed her with his eyes. If she didn’t have a sense to interrupt them, they would have kissed. She was sure of it. More like Sbu would have kissed Q. Cynthia had seen how Q had moved back to avoid the kiss and she’d seen how her man had leaned in anyway, almost tripping over his own feet.

She grabbed a glass of wine from one of the waiters who were walking around with drinks and hors d’oeuvres. She needed something to calm her nerves so that she could think clearly. She did all in her power not to reach for the delicious tiny snacks. She was a stress eater, but she would be damned if she let that woman ruin both her evening and her figure.

She knew it was time to accelerate her plan. She had no choice; she had to take care of Q. She would ensure that Q was out of Sbu’s life permanently.

The perfume launch event was a success. The venue was packed to capacity with celebrities, businessman, and TV presenters who occasionally interviewed guests getting their opinion on the new perfume and asking them who they were wearing. Q had an unfortunate luck to run into a TV crew as she rushed back inside the venue from the balcony. She feigned a smile as best as she could and responded to all the questions patiently, giving no indication that she was in a rush. The TV presenter even made her do a little twirl for the camera so that viewers at home could see her gorgeous dress.

As soon as she was done, she rushed to the corner where her friends stood.

‘Please find me a man and do it soon,’ she said as she joined them.

Ed and Thando smiled. They’d tried for months to hook Q up, with zero results to show for it. And here she was practically begging them to do what they so enjoyed doing. They immediately started scouting around the room for a potential partner for Q. Thando scanned the room for a wealthy man, while Ed scanned the room for a handsome man.

Matt responded by pulling Q aside. ‘What happened?’ he asked.

‘I can’t do this anymore,’ Q said. She did all she could not to break down; she didn’t want to ruin her make up.

‘Do what?’

‘I bumped into Sbu outside and we almost kissed.’

‘Almost what?’Thando asked. The search for a suitable partner momentarily suspended.

‘When did this happen? Where was I?’ Ed asked feeling left out.

‘This has to stop,’ Q said.

Matt nodded. ‘Agreed,’ he said. ‘It has to stop before someone gets hurt.’

Q looked up and saw, at a distance, Sbu and Cynthia in each other’s arms, posing for a picture that would appear at the social pages of the newspaper the next day. They both smiled as the flash illuminated their faces. She could feel the tears threatening to break through.

‘I can’t do this anymore. Please take me home.’

They all scanned the room checking for an image that had caused Q to be so upset. They spotted it a few feet away. Cynthia was leaning closer to Sbu who was feigning a smile for the camera.

‘Take me home now!’

Matt immediately grabbed her arm and led her outside. Thando and Ed followed closely behind them.

Q was glad to have such good friends who were willing to leave a great launch party for her. She treasured their support. She didn’t understand why sometimes life had to be so complicated.

Love's Revenge

Cynthia had tried everything to get her man to be interested in her. Everything. And out of all the things she had tried nothing had worked. Nothing. She was out of ideas. She was frustrated. She was angry. Angry at Q who had evidently stolen her man’s heart. Cynthia knew that Sbu wanted to be with Q. It was clear as day. She saw it his eyes every time they accidentally ran into Q. He never looked at her the way he looked at Q. Never.

If she did nothing, she knew she would lose Sbu. Each day she could feel her man, the handsome and successful Sbu, slip away. She could sense the distance. She could see the longing in his eyes. A longing for another woman. A woman with a name she couldn’t even pronounce. Qaqamba aka Q.

Cynthia wasn’t willing to let Sbu go. Not yet anyway. She loved him and believed that he would learn to love her as well. The only thing that stood in her way was Q. Cynthia was determined to do everything in her power to get rid of her. Everything.

She walked out of the lounge into her balcony and sat on her swing chair. She moved back and forth. This helped calm her nerves and helped her think. She needed to find a way to get rid of Q. It had to be clever, neat, and clean. Sbu could never know about her plans and he could never find out that she’s the one who took care of Q. All she needed now was a man she could trust. Someone who could take care of Q and be able to keep his mouth shut. She closed her eyes and scrolled through her mental list. She went through each name carefully and listed the cons and pros and if the former outweighed the latter, she moved on to the next name. She did this until she came to Sipho’s name. Pros: he was handsome, tall, caring, and gentle. He was an actor, albeit a struggling one, nevertheless the women flocked to him because of his perceived celebrity status. Cons: he was always broke. And that was a major stumbling block. Q would never look twice at a broke man. But at the same time it meant Cynthia could easily convince him to do Q for her by simply offering him a large paycheque. He would be the easiest to buy. In addition, she could trust Sipho to keep this a secret because they were kind of friends. In the end, she decided the pros outweighed the cons. Sipho was the man for the job. She smiled. Q would be taken care of soon.

She went back inside the house, grabbed her cell phone, and scrolled through the contact list until she found Sipho’s name. She pressed call and waited as the phone on the other end rang.

Q had been single for a while now. She hadn’t had a boyfriend since she broke up with Tato. She wasn’t perturbed by it. She simply enjoyed being by herself for now. But her friends Thando and Ed did not understand why she was enjoying her single-dom. They were agitated on her behalf. They’ve tried to hook her up, with zero success. She refused to rush into a relationship. She’d been hurt too many times and wanted to take her time and be sure the man was right for her.

While she was getting ready for their night out, Thando and Ed were hatching a plan to find her a man tonight. They were seated next to each other in the lounge. Matt was on a single-seater opposite them.

‘I heard that Sbu will be there,’ Thando said.

‘You know what that means,’ Matt said. ‘Ice queen Cynthia will also be there.’

‘Should we just cancel and find something else to do?’ Ed asked.

Matt shook his head. ‘No. She can’t avoid Sbu forever. Eventually she’ll have to deal with her feelings for him and move on.’

‘I’m glad I’m not in her shoes,’ Ed said. He gazed lovingly at Matt. ‘I can’t imagine my life without you.’

Matt smiled. ‘I love you too.’

Thando thrashed her hands in the air. ‘I’m getting a little nauseated here. This is not about you two; it’s about Q. We need to find her a man, a rich one preferably, but any man will do for now. She’s been single for way too long.’ She rolled her eyes.

They were silent, thinking. They failed to come up with a name.

‘Please don’t tell her Sbu will be there, she won’t go if she finds out,’ Matt said.

‘Who will be where?’ Q asked coming out of her bedroom into the lounge. She was dressed and ready to go. Tonight she wore a tight fitting dress that hugged her curves, which she’d bought at a random boutique, and she paired it with her favourite Christian Louboutin heels.

‘No one,’ Thando said. ‘You look great by the way.’

Q smiled and nodded a thank you. ‘Who needs a man when I’ve got all you beautiful people?’

At the party, they were met by a few surprises. The first surprise was Cynthia approaching them wearing a wide smile. She negotiated the crowd walking towards them.

Thando poked Ed on the shoulder. ‘Is she coming to us?’ she asked.

‘Who?’ Ed asked.

She responded by pointing at the tall woman walking in their direction.

‘Who do you think she’s wearing?’ she asked.

‘I don’t know. I just hate the fact that it looks so damn good on her.’

‘Me too.’ Thando was wearing a little black number with lace details designed by Gert-Johan Coetzee, paired up with Jimmy Choo stilettos.

‘This is going to be interesting,’ he said.

‘What is?’ Q asked. She lifted her eyes to the direction Ed and Thando were facing. Her eyes locked with Cynthia’s. Cynthia’s smile widened if that was at all possible. Q looked behind her, sure that the smile had been directed at someone behind her, but there was no one there. Cynthia was still walking towards them, purpose it her steps. They waited for her in silence. All equally perplexed.

‘Welcome, guys! Welcome,’ Cynthia said in a sing-song voice, as if she was the host of the party.

They all looked at each other, now more confused than before.

‘For a second I thought you guys weren’t coming,’ she said.

They were silent. They just stood there staring at her. Cynthia had been dubbed the group’s enemy number one, because she stole Q’s man. The love of her life. The one who got away. So they all stood there not sure what to say to a woman they’ve been scandalizing and criticizing behind her back. They’ve never had a single positive thing to say about her.

‘Come on, guys, let me get you something to drink. You look like you’re attending a funeral. Lighten up this is a party!’ She called a waiter and order drinks for them without asking them what they wanted. The waiter left and she turned back to them. They were still standing there like statues processing everything.

Thando finally got her voice back. ‘What do you want?’ she asked.

Cynthia’s brow creased in confusion. ‘What do you mean?’

‘You’re being nice to us,’ Ed said. ‘It’s weird.’

‘We like you better when you give us one of your get-out-of-my-way looks,’ Matt said.

‘You know I was sitting at home and I was wondering why we’re always so nasty to each other and I couldn’t come up with a single reason. Not one. Nothing. Nada. So I decided it was time to bury the hatchet and mend fences. So this is my attempt to let bygones be bygones. So what do you say? Truce?’

She extended her hand to no one in particular. They all stared at the hand but no one reached out.

‘It’s all too much too soon,’ Q said. ‘Could we just take it a step at a time?’

Cynthia withdrew her hand and let it fall to her side. She nodded. ‘OK, that’s fair I guess. But you must know that I’m not going nowhere. You might as well accept it, soon we’ll all be best friends.’

She walked away.

They stared at each other for a second.

‘What was that all about?’ Matt asked. ‘Miss Ice Queen is finally talking to us.’

‘Did she actually say nada?’ Q said. ‘She’s trying too hard.’

‘Trying too hard to what?’ Thando asked. ‘Be our friend? I don’t understand.’

Q shrugged. It didn’t make sense to her either. Cynthia had been cold in the past, downright rude at times and now all of a sudden she was playing best friend. Warning bells rang at the back of her head. She would have to watch Cynthia closely in the future.

They tried finding a table at the cramped venue, but were unsuccessful, so they went outside into the balcony instead. Moment later, the waiter found them. He had their drinks as ordered by Cynthia who was calling herself their new best friend.

‘She has something up her sleeve,’ Q said. ‘That was just too much of a performance.’

They grabbed the drinks from the waiter and decided to forget about Cynthia and enjoy the party.

Pseudo-Celeb

Thando referred to herself as a celebrity. But the truth was that she was a pseudo celebrity. She was famous for well… being famous. That brought both admirers and haters. Thando didn’t care. The way she saw it was that there was no bad publicity.

Being a pseudo-celebrity had its perks, like being interviewed for TV and radio shows, appearing on covers of magazines, being invited to high profile parties, appearing on ads and doing numerous fashion shoots. As a friend, I often tagged along when she attended high profile parties.

There was a flip side to that of course. Like this one time when Thando and I were shopping, a woman threw a tomato at her face. Now, if it were ripe tomato it would have exploded on impact and splashed all over her face. But it was not, this tomato still had a little bit of green left on it. It hit Thando square on the forehead, leaving a bruise.

‘You should be ashamed of yourself!’ The unknown woman was screaming while hauling tomatoes as Thando and myself. ‘You call yourself a role model? You are no role model! You are a bad influence to our children!’

Now what have I done? I thought while ducking from the stream of tomato missiles.

Mall security came to our rescue. They approached the angry woman with the intention to restrain her, but she started hauling tomatoes at them. I shouldn’t have been laughing, but I couldn’t stop myself. I thought it was so funny. I started wondering where this woman got all her tomatoes. Did she see Thando walking past, bought a bag full of tomatoes, ran up to her and started attacking? This was a premeditated attack. Clearly, this woman has been hoping and praying to run to Thando so she could tell her exactly how she felt about her.

Eventually, mall security managed to restrain the woman and they took her away kicking and screaming insults to Thando.

Thando and I suffered minor bruises that could be treated with an ointment and covered up with makeup, but our bruised egos took the hardest knock. By the time our attacker was whisked away, there were spectators gathered around and most had their smart phones out. I knew that by the end of the day our pictures would be all over Twitter and Facebook, probably with hashtags like #mallbeatdown #Thandobeatdown #Thandoattack. Fortunately, many people didn’t know my name, so I would escape the social media mocking. I was relieved.

Thando wasn’t so lucky, as I’d predicted, her attack was all over Twitter. She read most of the tweets with a smile on her face. She scrolled down her phone and often had to refresh as people argued back and forth on whether she was a good role model or not. A tweet-spat even broke out between two tweeheads who were on opposite camps. People who’ve never met each other and would probably never meet, argued and cursed each other on the subject of whether Thando was a good role model or not.

Thando responded by smiling. She looked at me and said, ‘I’m trending on Tweeter. I told you there’s no bad publicity.’

I looked at her phone and saw Thando Mava listed on trending topics.

That night she went to bed with a smile. She was on cloud nine. People were talking about her. And nothing made her happier than when she was on people’s minds.

Thando and I were made from different DNAs. I hated attention and she loved it with her whole heart. I dated men because of love and she dated men because of money. I enjoyed working and making my own money and she hated working and preferred other people making money from her, unless she’s being paid to be herself, as long as she didn’t lift a finger. We had nothing in common and sometime people asked me why I was even friends with her. In those cases, I often smiled at those people and told them that she’s the best friend I’ve ever had and I guess it’s true what they say: Opposites attract.

When I asked her whether she would press charges against the woman who attacked us, she shook her head and said, ‘No. I won’t. That woman was probably having a bad day, no need to make it worse.’

And that was the reason I was friends with her.

Breakup Because It's Broken

There’s no easy way to break up with someone. No matter how sweet you try to make it sound, the results are still awful. This is what people really mean when they break up with you.

“It’s not you, it’s me,” translate to, “It’s not me, it’s all you. You are the problem!”

“We need to take a break,” translate to, “It’s over! Get the hell out of my life!”

“I need time to focus on my career,” translate to, “You’re boring and there’s nothing interesting about you.”

“I need to figure things out,” translate to, “I don’t want you in my life.”

 Honest breakup lines are, “You’re a jerk! Get out of my life!” or “It’s over!” or “You’re a scumbag, good for nothing piece of shit!” However, no one ever really says that unless they’re high or drunk.

What I wanted to say to Tato was, ‘You’re a leech.’ I shook my head and erased that breakup line from my mind. I settled on, ‘You’re a nice person, but we want different things right now.’ But what I ended up saying was, ‘It’s not you, it’s me…’

Tato didn’t take the break up well. He went all psycho on me, smashing things around the apartment and threatening me. The worst was I broke up with him as he was asking if he could move in with me. Clearly, we wanted different things.

He refused to leave my apartment. He said I should throw him out. He just sat there on the couch, put his feet on the table (which I hated), reached for the remote and switched to his favourite channel. It was as if he owned the place. I did the only think I could. I called the muscle aka Matt.

Matt came to my rescue. He walked into my apartment and stood in front of the TV with his muscular arms folded across his chest. He didn’t say a word. He wore a stern look on his face. For a second, I was even afraid. Tato got the message and left, but not before banging the door so loud on his way out that it almost fell off its hinges.

After that draining breakup session, I wasn’t up to going out, so all my friends came to my apartment that evening. Just the thought of dressing up and facing the public was traumatic enough to cause me to bury myself under my warm, comfortable covers. Only my friends could get me out from under the covers and I went as far as my living room.

‘How are you doing?’ Ed asked as he embraced me.

I was dressed in my pyjamas. ‘It had to be done. It wasn’t easy to let him go,’ I said.

‘You’ll find someone else,’ Thando reassured me. ‘There are plenty fish in the water. And you’re gorgeous. You’re such a catch.’

I know she meant well, but it didn’t make me feel better.

‘The problem with you, Q, is that you insist on breaking up face to face,’ Ed said. ‘That’s dangerous. Tato could have punched you or killed you.’

I rolled my eyes. Ed was such a drama queen.

We all had different ways of handling breakups. Mine was to confront the man and get it over and done with.

Ed’s ideal breakup was disappearing for a couple of days. He avoided calls, didn’t respond to messages until the other person got the message and left him alone.

Thando, on the other hand, hated breakups because it meant no more all expenses paid holidays to exotic destinations, no more free dinners, and no more showing off her man at high profile events. However, none of that prevented her from breaking up with a man when she had to.

Matt was more old fashioned. He sat his partner down like the grown up he was and had a serious talk with him. As a result, his breakups were often mutual.

To cheer me up, my friends hired my favourite movie Ocean’s Eleven, with my favourite actor George Clooney. That Brad Pitt was also in the movie improved my mood. My friends also brought with them Chinese takeout. At that moment, I was glad to have friends who cared about me, friends who celebrated with me at my best and loved me at my worst. I knew they would move mountains to see me happy. Right there in my living room, I was surrounded by love. And that was a reason to smile.

Troubles and Big Personalities

The first time I heard the ringing phone I thought I was dreaming. But the ringing got louder and louder and louder. I woke up with a start. I looked around the dark room. The phone continued ringing. I groaned, snapped the light on, and reached for the cell phone. The alarm clock on my bedside table proudly displayed 4:30 am. I wondered who was calling at this ungodly hour.

Tato’s name flashed across the screen.

‘Tato, this better be important. You woke me up,’ I complained.

‘Oh… you were asleep?’ he said.

I rolled my eyes, but said nothing.

‘I need a lift,’ he said.

‘What?’ I sat up on the bed and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes.

‘There’s a taxi strike and I need a lift to work. I just got this job; I can’t afford to show up late.’

‘Is there no one else you could call?’

I was eager to return to sleep. I still had a good three hours before I had to wake up for work.

‘No. Please, Q, you know I wouldn’t call if I had other means.’

I sighed.

‘Fine. Give me a few minutes to change and I’ll be on my way.’

I kicked the covers off and reluctantly stepped out of bed. I dragged my feet into the bathroom to freshen up. I decided I would grab a cup of strong coffee on my way out.

As luck would have it, I had a meeting with a client later that day. I was tired. My eyes refused to open, no matter how many energy drinks I consumed.

Ed laughed at me after the meeting. ‘Something wrong? I saw you doze off during the presentation,’ he said.

‘Oh no!’ I was mortified. ‘Do you think Arthur noticed that too?’ Arthur was an executive of an advertising company that ran a few ads in our magazine.

‘Yes he did.’ The voice came from behind us.

I turned to see Author Fox behind me. At that moment, I wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole.

‘Was my presentation boring, Miss Ngqiqo?’ He mispronounced my surname, but I gave him credit for trying.

‘I’m sorry.’ I couldn’t look him in the eye. I could feel all the blood in my veins rushing to my cheeks.

Ed snickered and left me to face the client alone.

‘You know what you need?’ Arthur said.

I looked up at him then. ‘What?’

‘A strong cup of coffee. Come on, it’s on me,’ he said.

Arthur had a reputation of being a player. In all the years of working with him, I was yet to see that side of him displayed. I had a feeling that if I joined him, I would see that side. I rummaged through my tired mind for an excuse.

‘I wish I could join you, but I have another meeting soon. Rain check?’ I regretted the last statement as it left my lips.

He smiled and winked. ‘I’ll hold you to that,’ he said. ‘Good day, Miss Ngqiqo.’

I winced as he mispronounced my surname, but I was relieved that he bought my excuse.

Later that evening, we attended an opening of an upmarket restaurant in Parktown. The food was delicious. The waiter was placing the main course at our table and had just opened for us our second bottle of wine. As tired as I was, I was having a lot of fun. My diet was forgotten for the night. I decided to eat everything placed in front of me, including dessert.

We were all dressed up for the occasion. Even Matt swapped his gym gear for a suit. Thando was impressed.

‘I must say, you look so damn good! I see why you hide this one, Ed. The ladies might mistakenly think he was available.’

Matt smiled. His cheeks turned red. He looked away. He lifted one hand and ran it through his hair. He hated attention.

‘I picked the outfit for him,’ Ed said.

‘Q, I heard you fell asleep at work today,’ Matt said in an attempt to change the subject. ‘What were you doing last night?’

‘Maybe the question is who she was doing?’ Ed said.

‘You were doing Tato, weren’t you?’ Thando said. She just couldn’t resist. ‘It’s ok, you can tell us.’

‘I did no one last night,’ I responded. That would have been preferable, instead of what had happened. ‘I had to pick up Tato, early in the morning, from Alex.’ I explained to them Tato’s early morning predicament.

‘I told you that he was going to use you,’ Matt said. ‘First it’s a small favour, next he’ll be asking to move in with you.’

I hated to agree with him, but he was right. ‘I know,’ I said, a little displeased. ‘He started by borrowing money.’

‘What?’ Ed said.

‘Oh wow, that’s the lowest of the low. If I were you, I would have dumped his broke ass long ago,’ Thando said. She took a bite of her chicken fillet.

‘I don’t mind helping him out, but I don’t want to be his bank or his loan shark,’ I said. ‘It makes things weird, messy and complicated; especially since he hasn’t paid me back a cent.’

Matt turned his attention to Thando. ‘Isn’t this the same thing that you do, Thando? So why should Q dump the guy?’

Thando dismissed his comment. ‘When the man has more money than the lady, the way nature intended, it’s acceptable. The other way around is not ok. No man wants his woman to have more money than him. It makes them feel emasculated.’

Matt shook his head and laughed. He understood now that there was no way to get through to Thando.

‘Why are you still with him, Q?’ Ed asked.

‘I know why,’ Thando said. She had a big grin on her face.

‘Why?’ Ed wanted to know.

I cleared my throat. ‘He has a large…’ I cleared my throat again. ‘…Personality.’

‘Really?’ Ed said, intrigued. ‘I would have never imagined that. He’s got such tiny hands.’

‘Oh, sweetie, that whole… er… hands to personality ratio isn’t always true. Small hands don’t equate to small personality and large hands don’t mean large personality,’ Thando said. ‘I dated a gorgeous man once. He was very tall, had the largest hands I’ve ever seen, but his personality was so tiny that I felt embarrassed for him.’

We laughed. Matt was the only one not laughing. He looked confused.

‘I don’t get it.’

Ed leaned closer to him and whispered to his ear one word. ‘Penis.’

Confusion cleared from his face. ‘Oh. Hand size indicating the package size. I get it now.’ He took a sip of his drink. ‘But why don’t you just say penis? Why nickname it?’

‘We’re in a public area. We don’t want to get kicked out of this amazing restaurant,’ I said. For the first time that evening, I took in the beauty of the restaurant. I looked around. The opening was a success. The restaurant was fully booked. The waiters were running around taking orders, delivering food and drinks, and clearing tables as they became unoccupied. They ushered people from the waiting area, who’d been waiting all night for a table to become available.

‘Well, it doesn’t matter the size of his personality, you don’t want him to empty your bank account,’ Thando said. ‘I don’t want to see you hurt.’

‘I know.’ I’d realised that this relationship was not going to work, size of personality notwithstanding. But it was still sad to admit.

‘Good men are hard to come by,’ I said.

‘Don’t worry, someday you’ll find someone special,’ Ed said.

‘Like Sbu,’ Thando said out of the blue.

I looked at her in disbelief. Why on earth would she mention his name? Why now? I became angry. I was about to respond to her when she said, ‘He’s here.’

‘What?’ The anger I had felt only a second ago was replaced with anxiety. I wanted to hide under the table. For a split second, I wished that Tato were next to me so I could flaunt him in front of Sbu.

‘I wonder what size personality he has,’ Thando said.

They giggled. I didn’t join them. I kept thinking that out of all restaurants in the Jo’burg area, Sbu just had to come to this one.

Sbu walked into my view. My breath was suspended in my throat. He looked so good. He was dressed so well, as if the designer had him in mind when he designed the pants and shirt. All the feeling that I thought were buried, resurfaced all at once, torturing me. In one second, he’d managed to turn my amazing evening into a dreadful one.

I plastered a smile on my face and prayed that my inner turmoil was not showing on my face. I had to accept that our relationship would forever be like the Facebook relationship status: “it’s complicated”.